What writer doesn't ponder LIFE around this time every year? What human, at least in the U.S., doesn't? Many of us are creatures of both habit and an unwavering drive to be better tomorrow than we are today.
The problem with this outlook is that we're doomed to never reach our ultimate end. How can one ever be happy with where one is in life if one is always seeking to be better in some unknown future? This dilemma -- to be at peace with who I am now versus finding motivation to improve myself each and every day -- is a daunting one at best. Most days, I'd rather not think about it. Some days, I don't.
On these days, I merely get up and live. I wake up early (even if I'm extremely tired), I tend to my children (even if they aren't on their best behavior), I tend to my home (even if I don't get everything done like I want), I connect with my husband (even when we have to wait until the end of the day to enjoy each other's company), I serve my community and honor my commitments (even when this isn't convenient) and I love those I've been blessed to love (even if they are miles away).
When I look back, I realize I do these things everyday. What's left are those holes wherein I need to fit a few things that don't have my enduring commitment. For me, a main one is exercising most days. I like to workout, I enjoy working out, I have the time and I have the opportunity. There is a change in mindset that must occur for me to do this everyday -- just as I love my children everyday, just as I love my husband everyday. I must also love myself every single day.
There seems to be two kinds of people in the world -- those who love themselves too much and those who don't love themselves enough. I'd love to find some wonderful place in the middle to live out my days. A nice, healthy, balanced area in the middle where I can say, "I deserve this," but also say, "I can deny myself that." A place where I enjoy life's goodness without warping that enjoyment in a state of frenzied self-indulgence. A state of being that is never perfect, but always working itself out -- by way of my energy, my choices, my love.
The beauty of it all is that my life holds this inescapable fact: it can be all I want it to be. So, here's to yet another new year, another clean slate, another chance to feel the excitement of the gift of time. Time to make the very most of life, everyday.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
twenty years
If I wasn't a woman, I might be singing "Like A Rock" right about now. In three days I'll turn 38, so it's been 20 years since I was 18. "Twenty years now... where'd they go?"
The difference is that I have an answer to that question.
I've spent those 20 years growing, loving, serving others, messing up big time (but not so big that I ruined my life!), trying and trying again. I've had a marriage, two children, a college degree and a move to Austin in that time. The lessons learned are priceless, though were not without costs. It's hard to believe I'm old enough to be living by phrases like, "I wouldn't change a thing."
Here is the pre-40s of my life, I absolutely feel I am the most ME I've been in a long time. I'm not sure if that comes from having a very loving and safe life before my move, followed by a lot of new experiences and changes after my move. It could be that I became a mother and fulfilled my desire to be a full-time mom with no other obligations other than to be here for my family pretty much any and all the time I can be. Perhaps I accomplished the things I set for myself as I hoped to and therefore haven't felt the need to DO more or BE more, at least not while my boys are young. I still have ME needs, but I feel at peace meeting those only as they coordinate with my life as a wife and mother first and foremost.
I had a revelation of sorts yesterday... I said to myself as I got ready pre-dawn to face another day of making lunches, preparing meals, squeezing in a workout and reading time, and volunteering at my kids' school: "I don't want to conquer the world. I just want to change it for the better."
Approaching 38 is a good place for me. I've heard it said that we are our truest selves at the age of 6. At that time in my life, I climbed trees, roller skated, rode my bike, played school, sang and danced in my living room. I started a girls club and we raised money for a local children's charity. I published our household newspaper on my sister's old typewriter and I loved to swim.
Amazing how much of that is still me today.
The difference is that I have an answer to that question.
I've spent those 20 years growing, loving, serving others, messing up big time (but not so big that I ruined my life!), trying and trying again. I've had a marriage, two children, a college degree and a move to Austin in that time. The lessons learned are priceless, though were not without costs. It's hard to believe I'm old enough to be living by phrases like, "I wouldn't change a thing."
Here is the pre-40s of my life, I absolutely feel I am the most ME I've been in a long time. I'm not sure if that comes from having a very loving and safe life before my move, followed by a lot of new experiences and changes after my move. It could be that I became a mother and fulfilled my desire to be a full-time mom with no other obligations other than to be here for my family pretty much any and all the time I can be. Perhaps I accomplished the things I set for myself as I hoped to and therefore haven't felt the need to DO more or BE more, at least not while my boys are young. I still have ME needs, but I feel at peace meeting those only as they coordinate with my life as a wife and mother first and foremost.
I had a revelation of sorts yesterday... I said to myself as I got ready pre-dawn to face another day of making lunches, preparing meals, squeezing in a workout and reading time, and volunteering at my kids' school: "I don't want to conquer the world. I just want to change it for the better."
Approaching 38 is a good place for me. I've heard it said that we are our truest selves at the age of 6. At that time in my life, I climbed trees, roller skated, rode my bike, played school, sang and danced in my living room. I started a girls club and we raised money for a local children's charity. I published our household newspaper on my sister's old typewriter and I loved to swim.
Amazing how much of that is still me today.
Monday, December 7, 2009
texas. football. stadiums.
Every year, around the time of two-a-days, my husband gets that look in his eye. It's really a reflection of all that his senses are taking in: a misty morning, freshly cut grass, a hint of cool on the breeze. Be it late summer or early fall, football is in the air. It finds a cozy place to reside for several months in the hearts and minds of many across both Texas and the entire nation. High school, pee wee, NFL or college, most people have some interest or another -- directly or indirectly -- in American football.
Since moving to the Lake Travis school district in 2005, I've been in Cavalier Nation... and what an honor it has been! The year my oldest started kindergarten in LTISD, the high school football program won state. The team repeated the next year and is currently marching toward its third title in as many years. VERY exciting times around here, to say the least.
Tonight, I was reading an email bulletin from the LT Booster Club and making a note in my calendar that this week's game is being played at Kyle Field on the campus of Texas A&M. Immediately I smiled to myself, remembering the many wonderful stadiums I've been to and the numerous games I've witnessed, especially since becoming a true football fan (I call myself a student of football because I love to ask questions and learn all I can about the game I never have and never will play. However, I do visualize myself as a really awesome linebacker, fast and intense in a small package. But that's another blog altogether).
The Dallas Cowboys: their last year in Texas Stadium and their first year in Cowboys Stadium (wins both times!); the Baylor Bears: when they actually went to a bowl game at the Alamodome too many years ago; my other alma mater, University High School, when they played at Kyle Field in the playoffs years ago; the year Vince Young led the Longhorns to their National Championship -- those were my first UT games and we had season tickets. What a way to spend a season! There was my first trip to the Cotton Bowl, only to witness Texas Tech losing to Alabama (and having to endure their catchy, albeit insulting, "We just beat the hell outta you" cheer). I also recalled watching the Midway Panthers play their home games at Baylor's Floyd Casey Stadium this past season, as well as the Lake Travis Cavaliers winning two state titles in that very stadium for the last two Christmases... that stadium where my college team never celebrated any national titles. But I did see a goalpost come down when Baylor beat A&M a few years back. My extended family gathered at that stadium to see Lake Travis beat Highland Park two years ago and Longview last year... Longview, who stopped Midway from advancing in last year's playoffs just a few weeks before... Longview who stopped the Panthers again this year.
Such glory and pain... I can only imagine the hearts of boys and men, young and old, who've walked out of those tunnels, onto those fields, into those lights and crowds. As a fan, the screams and cheers and high-fives, I assume, don't compare to those exchanged between the warriors who have taken to their battlefield with all the heart they could muster for any given game. As a woman, as a fan, as a student of the game, I feel blessed to partake in whatever way possible. And I look forward to a lot more football in my future... including that LT game this weekend (yes, this is how my husband and I might spend our first weekend in a long time without our boys) and a weekend visit with old friends in two weeks (a visit that was basically scheduled around the Cowboys game on the NFL Network).
Yes, lots more football in my future. I say, set the DVR or pile on the warm clothes. Either way, bring it on!
Since moving to the Lake Travis school district in 2005, I've been in Cavalier Nation... and what an honor it has been! The year my oldest started kindergarten in LTISD, the high school football program won state. The team repeated the next year and is currently marching toward its third title in as many years. VERY exciting times around here, to say the least.
Tonight, I was reading an email bulletin from the LT Booster Club and making a note in my calendar that this week's game is being played at Kyle Field on the campus of Texas A&M. Immediately I smiled to myself, remembering the many wonderful stadiums I've been to and the numerous games I've witnessed, especially since becoming a true football fan (I call myself a student of football because I love to ask questions and learn all I can about the game I never have and never will play. However, I do visualize myself as a really awesome linebacker, fast and intense in a small package. But that's another blog altogether).
The Dallas Cowboys: their last year in Texas Stadium and their first year in Cowboys Stadium (wins both times!); the Baylor Bears: when they actually went to a bowl game at the Alamodome too many years ago; my other alma mater, University High School, when they played at Kyle Field in the playoffs years ago; the year Vince Young led the Longhorns to their National Championship -- those were my first UT games and we had season tickets. What a way to spend a season! There was my first trip to the Cotton Bowl, only to witness Texas Tech losing to Alabama (and having to endure their catchy, albeit insulting, "We just beat the hell outta you" cheer). I also recalled watching the Midway Panthers play their home games at Baylor's Floyd Casey Stadium this past season, as well as the Lake Travis Cavaliers winning two state titles in that very stadium for the last two Christmases... that stadium where my college team never celebrated any national titles. But I did see a goalpost come down when Baylor beat A&M a few years back. My extended family gathered at that stadium to see Lake Travis beat Highland Park two years ago and Longview last year... Longview, who stopped Midway from advancing in last year's playoffs just a few weeks before... Longview who stopped the Panthers again this year.
Such glory and pain... I can only imagine the hearts of boys and men, young and old, who've walked out of those tunnels, onto those fields, into those lights and crowds. As a fan, the screams and cheers and high-fives, I assume, don't compare to those exchanged between the warriors who have taken to their battlefield with all the heart they could muster for any given game. As a woman, as a fan, as a student of the game, I feel blessed to partake in whatever way possible. And I look forward to a lot more football in my future... including that LT game this weekend (yes, this is how my husband and I might spend our first weekend in a long time without our boys) and a weekend visit with old friends in two weeks (a visit that was basically scheduled around the Cowboys game on the NFL Network).
Yes, lots more football in my future. I say, set the DVR or pile on the warm clothes. Either way, bring it on!
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