it isn't just feeling that keeps me to you. for what if i'm cranky or bored or pissed off? what if there's drama i didn't ask for or worry or illness or unexpected company?
no, it's all of the history of me that's in you. more us than just one, more to us than two.
and now there are people, these two that are so precious and beautiful and ours! i crept in tonight, while you were away, to check on their faces. i might have even stayed. but they were resting, so peaceful. and peace they shall have. with all of my heart and my soul and my power, they will have peace despite me, despite you. despite our humanity, our frailty. they shall have peace.
i closed the door, the wind blew outside and i felt safe. here. our home. our life. our yesterday and our tomorrows. not because we always feel like it, but because we are this, this is us. and it's ours; ours alone.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
sister
She is my biggest supporter, my tumbling companion, my partner in crime, my vacation buddy, my only other person in the world who can laugh with me about our oldest sister in a way no one else could ever understand... come to think of it, no one else better laugh at our oldest sister! The bonds of sisterhood, to me, are of the strongest in the world... right up there with spouse, parent, child.
And in that one blink, I saw myself somewhere I'd never been, looking down a long hallway filled with questionable images... none of which were clear or illuminated. Only shades of questions and wonder and even a little bit of fear. The whispers of sadness clamored for my attention almost instantly. The what-ifs are torturous if you give them even a split-second second glance.
I pressed my ear to the phone in an effort to not miss any of the multi-syllable terms she was using. For some words, even a dictionary can't bring the clarity you need and want for such conversations. I listened, not quite understanding all of it; I listened nonetheless.
My life with sisters has been sweet. There is a line in "Little Women" where Jo tells young Amy not to be silly... that she could never love anyone more than she loves her sisters. It has always occurred to me that there is truth in such a claim... at least for me.
Our parents taught us, in theory and practice, the importance of marital and parental love. But no one had to teach me how to love my sisters... no one had to tell me to show loyalty to death or unconditional love in the face of any and every person who crossed our paths. And no one had to teach me about the very nature of sisterhood that could outlast failed marriages, span breaks in communication, and ease the heartaches of life.
For all that lies ahead, just as all that has come and gone, I trust such love and friendship will get us through. For I am the most fortunate of women to have the grace and love and support of two amazing women I get to call "my sister."
Saturday, March 6, 2010
never enough
If you subscribe to any sort of media influence of what's beautiful, successful or important, you have to accept this fact: it's NEVER ENOUGH.
Conspiracy theorist or not, a person has to accept this when it comes to what is seen or heard from those who would have us use their product, wear their brand or consume their beverage. Because if you ever did get enough or if you ever did reach a place of contentment, the powers that be would not have done their job. We MUST be made to feel incompetent, undesirable, disconnected. Only when we are vulnerable in these ways will we look outward for the solution: the right cell phone, cologne, vehicle or beauty regimen.
In China, the ban on plastic surgery has been lifted and people are going into hospitals by the hundreds on any given week to have their eyes altered or their legs stretched. I find this western influence sad because millions of people there are starting to believe the hype that what you are NOW just isn't good enough.
Until you have your own personal definition of beauty, success or happiness, you'll never be satisfied. If you are looking for fulfillment in places and people and products, you'll always come up short and unsatisfied.
I encourage you to strip away from your mind all the mental junk that you've accumulated over the years of your life. If you've already had this realization and you're working some of this stuff out of your life, be a influence for someone else. And if you're just starting, it's not that hard.
You'll know what stuff you need out of your head if you'll just be on the lookout for it. It's the voice that resides somewhere in the corner of your mind saying, "You're just not ________ enough; you need more _______; you'll never be _______." And it probably sounds like the voice of a commercial announcer!
Conspiracy theorist or not, a person has to accept this when it comes to what is seen or heard from those who would have us use their product, wear their brand or consume their beverage. Because if you ever did get enough or if you ever did reach a place of contentment, the powers that be would not have done their job. We MUST be made to feel incompetent, undesirable, disconnected. Only when we are vulnerable in these ways will we look outward for the solution: the right cell phone, cologne, vehicle or beauty regimen.
In China, the ban on plastic surgery has been lifted and people are going into hospitals by the hundreds on any given week to have their eyes altered or their legs stretched. I find this western influence sad because millions of people there are starting to believe the hype that what you are NOW just isn't good enough.
Until you have your own personal definition of beauty, success or happiness, you'll never be satisfied. If you are looking for fulfillment in places and people and products, you'll always come up short and unsatisfied.
I encourage you to strip away from your mind all the mental junk that you've accumulated over the years of your life. If you've already had this realization and you're working some of this stuff out of your life, be a influence for someone else. And if you're just starting, it's not that hard.
You'll know what stuff you need out of your head if you'll just be on the lookout for it. It's the voice that resides somewhere in the corner of your mind saying, "You're just not ________ enough; you need more _______; you'll never be _______." And it probably sounds like the voice of a commercial announcer!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
change
The first rule of CHANGE is... you can only change yourself.
The second rule of CHANGE is... REALLY get that first rule into your head!
Some people (many of them married or parenting children) spend a great deal of time and effort trying to change other people. Ultimately, it is a futile waste of time and you'll often end up with someone who's even that much more determined NOT to change or who has made changes (at least on the outside) but at the cost of resenting you (often buried on the inside and waiting to come out in unexpected ways). You may find that you can have great influence on someone, but that's usually when you aren't even trying. When it comes to change, we can strive to change a person, a government, a people or the world, but the only change we can ever succeed at 100 percent of the time is within ourselves. (When the completely unexpected occurs, we can move to a place where we accept and work around the things we can't control but that might seem to dictate how we live our lives, even if this means we alter our perception of the world around us.)
That we can only ever really change ourselves is a beautiful concept about change that I think people don't like to face. But in reality, it is the most perfect and harmonious of qualities about change. Whatever I might think is wrong with the world, I must first alter within myself. For example, I know that sodas aren't good for much of anything. My kids already don't drink them very often, but there were times when we had the occasional 12-pack on hand. But the fastest and easiest way for them to drink even less came the day I decided to stop drinking them myself. In reality, that part wasn't hard, ONCE I DECIDED TO ADOPT THIS CHANGE FOR MYSELF IN A REAL WAY. Everything else came pretty easy after that, too. My children get a soda when we eat out (which is also less and less these days) and the drink is included in their meal. And I know they enjoy it when they do, but they don't miss it in the day-to-day living. Such is the effect of change.
Whatever you are wanting for yourself, you have to know by now that only YOU can make this happen. You may find a great deal of help in the form of prayer, support from someone else or others, motivational readings or positive thinking. But in the end, if you want to lose weight... ONLY YOU can do the exercise and/or take in less calories; if you want to read more, ONLY YOU can pick up that book and read the words; if you want to connect with others, ONLY YOU can do your part by calling or writing someone today.
It is NOT always easy to actually get the ball of change rolling. But when you factor in the concept that you can only control the changes YOU make -- and therefore eliminate the stress and complications of trying to get OTHERS to do as you want -- it actually makes things a lot less difficult.
And the beauty of it all is that you have everything it takes within yourself at any given time (any time of day or day of the year) to make change a reality. You will likely have to overcome all kinds of obstacles (isn't this always the case?) but nothing and no one can get in your way when you determine once and for all for yourself that change is required. You -- and only you -- really can make the changes you need to in your life.
The second rule of CHANGE is... REALLY get that first rule into your head!
Some people (many of them married or parenting children) spend a great deal of time and effort trying to change other people. Ultimately, it is a futile waste of time and you'll often end up with someone who's even that much more determined NOT to change or who has made changes (at least on the outside) but at the cost of resenting you (often buried on the inside and waiting to come out in unexpected ways). You may find that you can have great influence on someone, but that's usually when you aren't even trying. When it comes to change, we can strive to change a person, a government, a people or the world, but the only change we can ever succeed at 100 percent of the time is within ourselves. (When the completely unexpected occurs, we can move to a place where we accept and work around the things we can't control but that might seem to dictate how we live our lives, even if this means we alter our perception of the world around us.)
That we can only ever really change ourselves is a beautiful concept about change that I think people don't like to face. But in reality, it is the most perfect and harmonious of qualities about change. Whatever I might think is wrong with the world, I must first alter within myself. For example, I know that sodas aren't good for much of anything. My kids already don't drink them very often, but there were times when we had the occasional 12-pack on hand. But the fastest and easiest way for them to drink even less came the day I decided to stop drinking them myself. In reality, that part wasn't hard, ONCE I DECIDED TO ADOPT THIS CHANGE FOR MYSELF IN A REAL WAY. Everything else came pretty easy after that, too. My children get a soda when we eat out (which is also less and less these days) and the drink is included in their meal. And I know they enjoy it when they do, but they don't miss it in the day-to-day living. Such is the effect of change.
Whatever you are wanting for yourself, you have to know by now that only YOU can make this happen. You may find a great deal of help in the form of prayer, support from someone else or others, motivational readings or positive thinking. But in the end, if you want to lose weight... ONLY YOU can do the exercise and/or take in less calories; if you want to read more, ONLY YOU can pick up that book and read the words; if you want to connect with others, ONLY YOU can do your part by calling or writing someone today.
It is NOT always easy to actually get the ball of change rolling. But when you factor in the concept that you can only control the changes YOU make -- and therefore eliminate the stress and complications of trying to get OTHERS to do as you want -- it actually makes things a lot less difficult.
And the beauty of it all is that you have everything it takes within yourself at any given time (any time of day or day of the year) to make change a reality. You will likely have to overcome all kinds of obstacles (isn't this always the case?) but nothing and no one can get in your way when you determine once and for all for yourself that change is required. You -- and only you -- really can make the changes you need to in your life.
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