...or maybe I just need to go to bed. Nonetheless, these are the not-so-pleasant thoughts occupying my mind right now. It's a lot, it's not pretty, and it's not for fans of the ups. In fact, it's an outright downer, but you were warned! If you ever wanted to know more of the REAL me, here it is:
My kids bring home a bunch of crap. Stuff they "create" and stuff they "win" and it's all just more junk that's messy-ing up my house. Thanks for nothing; God knows I don't have enough guilt already!
I'm not beautiful, and he doesn't think so either. I see where men want to have pictures of their wives, or take pictures of their wives. Not my husband. I'll give him this... I gripe about how I turn out in pictures. Still, if someone calls you "beautiful" and they claim to be talking about your looks, seems like they'd want photos of you. I'm just saying.
No dreams would be better. I'd be so much better off and happier if I could just shake off that feeling inside that there's more to me that what I am and what I've become. JUST STOP ALREADY! THIS IS IT! I mean, heck, I couldn't even brush my hair and put on nail polish today because everyone else's stuff somehow always comes first.
Sadness is easy. Too bad it's frowned upon to cry at will, stomp ones feet in protest and throw fits in public. You know, unless you're a toddler.
I think I have a food addiction. Even when I'm not hungry, I really like the feel of swallowing food that tastes good... pasta, tortillas, cake, buttered bread, almonds. I think I have a problem.
Selfishness is harder than I thought. I actually really like my kids, and I enjoy my life revolving around them. Doing more for ME is harder than I thought it would be. Amazing!
Nighttime ain't the right time. The rest of this darn society dictates rise n shine. People like me, who seem to click on at night, are screwed. For life!
Everyone fails you. Yourself, your best friend, your closest confidant, your priest, your parent. Everyone. Yes, even GOD! Because so much of the GOD relationship is OUR perception, OUR mood, OUR behavior, OUR feelings. Trust me, with that much OUR in anything, it's doomed!
We have some major differences. My hubby and I love each other and love to be together, but we have some majorly different outlooks on things. Things that we used to agree upon; things that I bet some "professionals" would see as too different to succeed. I wonder how long we can go on like this and if these differences will ever take a toll on our marriage? Thinking about this makes me sad and want to cry because these are somewhat serious issues. Next!
I sleep a lot; more than I'd admit to anyone. I realize this could be a sign of something sinister (like depression or an iron deficiency) but I'm not up for going to a doctor to have him tell me, "You're depressed. Let's talk about why." I'd just say, "Read my blog!"
He's just a man. My husband really, truly is a wonderful husband and father. We really are close and get along so well. I'm not trying to convince myself because this is about honesty anyway. BUT, the more time goes by, the more I'm realizing that in so many ways, he is just as typical as the next man. And if I can say that about my guy, then I KNOW there are no Prince Charmings!
So the other night... I have more than my share of regretful nights. One was last year when I got sick at a wine night with a bunch of females I didn't know (except one or two). And do you know what was the end-all worst part about not remembering what happened? Thinking about how my friend probably saw my disgustingly huge gut! If you don't know, you don't know. Without much work, I could pose for a fairly pregnant woman most days of the week. You know, unless I'm starving myself. Which reminds me...
Starvation is the only thing that works. If you've ever seen me "thin" or "toned"... and if this was AFTER high school (when I was long and skinny and flexible like a bendy straw) and AFTER college (when I at least still had metabolism on my side), chances are you were seeing the effects of mild to moderate starvation. I'm not kidding. At all. We're talking major calorie-restriction. And THAT's what works, EVEN with running and hard workouts. It's the NON food that does the trick. That's my reality at least.
We do the same thing every night. I pretty much love it because it's OUR time. But I am wondering if I love it because I'm used to it and I'm lazy. Movie/TV/Game/Food (usually). Hmm.
Speaking of starvation... I may never go back that way again. I'm ALMOST, but not quite, ready to resolve that I was a skinny kid but just as I was never destined to be a beautiful woman, I was probably never really naturally cut-out to be a thin woman.
You know, I keep SAYING I'm going to throw myself a fun 40th birthday party weekend... but something tells me I won't. At least not the way I've envisioned it. Unlike many women who let themselves at least once do it all out (their wedding, a weekend away, a spa trip, SOMETHING), I'll likely chicken out, and likely in the name of frugality or time (you know, something for someone else was more important).
I don't cook nearly as much as I think I should, and I let my kids eat in the living room more than a couple of times a week. And I am not okay with or proud of either of these things. I'm outright ashamed.
Green Monster rules the day. As much as I find that I really like my female friends, the truth is, I am envious of most, if not all, of them. There is one friend I dread going to lunch with because I have to endure the stares of others (looking at her) and being reminded that yeah, I'm basically chopped liver. Then there's the friend who I find I am comfortable with but around whom I am not making the best choices. And then there's the friend who I wonder about in terms of our true "friendship." The conversation is always about her anyway. Is that even friendship? What grade am I in? I'm jealous of the friend who works out consistently, the friend who doesn't work out consistently but still looks like she works out consistently, the friend who manages and takes the time to capture all her beautiful children's life moments on film (I'm thinking I should just eBay my stupid camera!), the friend who makes some income and still finds the time to be a very involved mom, the friend who has a maid, the friend whose husband takes her out to dinner or on trips, the friend who doesn't have a maid and still has enough pride in herself to keep her home clean, the friend who has lots of fun girlfriend time, the friend who doesn't seem to care that her whole life is spent on PTA because she believes in it so much, the friend who... well, maybe I'M the one whose not really a friend.
My in-laws aren't huge fans. My parents don't hold back on showing love to my husband, and I'm actually very keen on this. But sometimes, I have literally thought they love him more... if not more, than at least loved him with a greater sense of unconditional love... as though their love for me has some sort of strings attached... "Hey, we did a good job raising you in a totally functional home; don't go failing on us!" But this is NOT reciprocated in the slightest from David's family, namely his mom. I've chalked it up to the fact that she was a single mom and so maybe there is some of that "us against the world" mentality still lurking around all these years later. Either way, it irks me. She is good to my kids and has never tried to tell me how to be a wife or mother, and of course her son (like his brother and two sisters) can do no wrong. But I've said on more than one occasion that I don't particularly like being treated like a second-class citizen by my mother-in-law, especially since on occasion my own father has openly favored David over me. I get over it time and again (another "Grow up, LoAna!" moment), but I hope and pray that if life ever finds me without my own parents, and with David's mom still alive, I don't weakly cave in and call her anything close to "mom" or turn to her in need of motherly love, compassion or advice; humility be damned!
My in-laws aren't huge fans. My parents don't hold back on showing love to my husband, and I'm actually very keen on this. But sometimes, I have literally thought they love him more... if not more, than at least loved him with a greater sense of unconditional love... as though their love for me has some sort of strings attached... "Hey, we did a good job raising you in a totally functional home; don't go failing on us!" But this is NOT reciprocated in the slightest from David's family, namely his mom. I've chalked it up to the fact that she was a single mom and so maybe there is some of that "us against the world" mentality still lurking around all these years later. Either way, it irks me. She is good to my kids and has never tried to tell me how to be a wife or mother, and of course her son (like his brother and two sisters) can do no wrong. But I've said on more than one occasion that I don't particularly like being treated like a second-class citizen by my mother-in-law, especially since on occasion my own father has openly favored David over me. I get over it time and again (another "Grow up, LoAna!" moment), but I hope and pray that if life ever finds me without my own parents, and with David's mom still alive, I don't weakly cave in and call her anything close to "mom" or turn to her in need of motherly love, compassion or advice; humility be damned!
The t-shirt thing is a real bummer! I hate that I usually wear t-shirts. I try not to hate this side of myself, but I can't help it. I always wish I could look cute or have more fashion sense and style than I seem to. Makes me sick that I give such a damn.
Well, I haven't worked out all week. We even had our monthly family meeting where everyone talks about their short-term goals for the month ahead, and I'm still doing nothing. My motivations are superficial and meaningless (going out for a night, meeting up with friends, seeing old friends, etc.), and once they're gone, there is a big chance my "drive" is gone, too.
Well, I haven't worked out all week. We even had our monthly family meeting where everyone talks about their short-term goals for the month ahead, and I'm still doing nothing. My motivations are superficial and meaningless (going out for a night, meeting up with friends, seeing old friends, etc.), and once they're gone, there is a big chance my "drive" is gone, too.
I still worry a LOT about what my parents think. I'll go toe-to-toe with anyone who says they do, too. I stress out way too much on this one. I can't seem to shake it. Ugh. Another topic that makes me sad because I feel I will never be free of this.
Lacking confidence. As I approach 40, I realize that the first half of my life was filled with self-confidence. I was ready to conquer the world! How and in what way, I wasn't sure. But I was ready and willing to take on anything. Something happened right around the time of what is the halfway point in my life. Was it post-high school? Was it college life? Was it boyfriend issues? Was it simply having to grow up? I'm not happy with where my life is, as far as ME (the me that isn't a mom or wife or daughter or sister... those roles I seem to manage pretty well). Figuring out how to get this next part of life (AFTER this second half as been somewhat bleak) back on track is one daunting task, to say the least. Currently, I'm just not up for the challenge. At all.
Lacking confidence. As I approach 40, I realize that the first half of my life was filled with self-confidence. I was ready to conquer the world! How and in what way, I wasn't sure. But I was ready and willing to take on anything. Something happened right around the time of what is the halfway point in my life. Was it post-high school? Was it college life? Was it boyfriend issues? Was it simply having to grow up? I'm not happy with where my life is, as far as ME (the me that isn't a mom or wife or daughter or sister... those roles I seem to manage pretty well). Figuring out how to get this next part of life (AFTER this second half as been somewhat bleak) back on track is one daunting task, to say the least. Currently, I'm just not up for the challenge. At all.
