imagine

i feel pretty certain that i can imagine something and it can be as powerful as a memory.

i also believe that a memory is about as important as an imagination.

it is intangible.

it is not "reality."

it is not destined to impact my life. right here. right now.

john lennon encouraged us to picture life without its various hang-ups or trappings.

can you?

what would life look like without...

racism

consumerism

materialism

bullying

snobbery?

this isn't some call to socialism.

i just think we can use what isn't "real" to move us. impact us.

change us.

your scale can be individual, cosmic, or anything in between.

there is power in that place, no doubt about it.

we can harness this power.

use it to help others, improve life, better the planet, bring change where it's needed.

imagine that.

watercolor ponies and godspeed

This weekend, I attended the funeral of a little baby boy who lived all of two hours. His little life was a BIG life that impacted me personally on a number of levels. And even his farewell moved me. The love his parents shared and grace displayed was touching, inspiring and POWERFUL! How many of us strive to make a big difference only to have our efforts hampered by things like stress, time limitations and money? And yet, this baby came into this world, lived here for two hours and effortless changed lives.

Furthermore, I was moved and inspired by his parents. She'd been blogging about her pregnancy. This baby boy, her firstborn of the two, was a twin. His brother is healthy and thriving at home. This mother shared with a watching world as she prepared for what most of us can only imagine would be the most painful and difficult thing to ever endure. Her story will stay with me forever!

Sometimes, I worry my own boys don't have the mother they deserve. My voice isn't super sweet and I don't naturally baby them. I LOVE them with all the love I have. I also would and will do ANYTHING for them to be safe, to know they are loved, and to help them grow into the kind of men this world needs.

My hope is that I can show them grace and love in the face of whatever life brings our way. Should my oldest decide to leave our nest for college (that's his plan!), already he is more than halfway to that age. And that haunts my heart to no end! My husband and I sometimes look at each other and shake our heads when it hits us that they're truly growing up every single... single... day. We say, "Oh, those Watercolor Ponies," referencing an old song by Christian artist, Wayne Watson. (*You can look this song up on YouTube, too. The words are precious.)

Here is a link to the song played at the very end of Baby John's funeral. Godspeed, baby boy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqaBof47pmY

it's a pretty wonderful life...

When I'm managing umpires' payrolls, running my kids to their activities, organizing homeroom parents, taking a load to Goodwill or walking the dog... in my mind, I often hear that line from "It's A Wonderful Life" about the main character (George) who "stays behind (from war) and fights the battle of Bedford Falls."

In so many ways, such is my life.

Now, if I didn't appreciate this movie or love George Bailey (and the actor who portrays him, James Stewart), I might see this as an insult. But in truth, there is something to be said for those of us who fight these battles, manage these homefronts and tend to our "troops."

So, this blog is in appreciation of and a cheers to:

*You moms who sew buttons on shirts, make lunches each day or run errands for everyone else in the household...

*You dads and husbands who work less-than-glamorous or dirty jobs day in and day out, with little respect from the boss...

*You teens and young adults who take out the garbage, visit your Grandparents, teach kids at church or watch your younger siblings for your parents...

*You educators who make a big deal out of things like teaching kids the true value of recycling...

*You parent coaches who desire to teach our children good sportsmanship in addition to how to hit a curve ball...

To all who will never perform on a world stage, or visit other parts of the world, for that matter...

As we get ready to see another year come to an end, may each of you feel within yourself a sense of purpose, accomplishment and gratitude for the opportunity daily to say, "Good job, self. Well done!"

one week to go!

The lack of "clutter" in my mind lately hasn't made life less busy. And by clutter, I mean the unnecessary things I am unwittingly subjected to on a daily basis when I am not alert. But it's more than this. Doing without has brought clarity. I've gone without any medicine (the occasional Advil), texting beyond what is necessary, Facebook and food on certain days. It's been slightly challenging and extremely refreshing. I've reconsidered friendships, activities, people, etc. But boy, have I still made mistakes! The clarity has NOT made me "better" or taken away my faults... in fact, I see them more clearly than perhaps ever before!

I think I'll take such a respite more often going forward.

For now, I am one week away from completing my little two-week hiatus. This coming week is busier than last week. Still, I'm ready to focus, do what I've gotta do, be where I get to be, and challenge myself in some harder workouts than I've done in a while.

Here we go!!!

fear

Fear is familiar. At times, what is familiar can be the most scary thing to imagine. When you've faced abuse, disappointment, or any other affliction -- especially from those you love and who are supposed to love you -- it isn't fear of the unknown that rattles your core. It's the familiar fears that keep you up at night and zap your peace.

When searching your soul for inner peace, sometimes the best times to practice or start are when you are most scared... scared of what might be coming, scared to once again face the fear, scared of the big bad monster who might be parent, spouse, or child.

Try to EMBRACE WHAT YOU MUST FACE, even if it turns out to be nothing. If you find yourself with a stomach in knots and your nerves on edge, sit and pray/meditate and seek quiet amid the chaos that has once again taken over your mind and spirit. If you are actively searching for answers to what you should do long-term with regard to this fear, a place of quiet and calm is a fitting place for that journey, too.

All that talk about what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger can have real impact when you face what you fear most and prepare yourself with peace. We all know we can't control other people and their actions. We also can't control weather, technology (as far as it being 100 percent reliable) or what life tragedies might befall us at any given moment.

We CAN control our inner peace level. At times of fear and dread, seek peace within. You owe yourself some moments of quiet and sanctuary when a potential life storm is brewing.

two weeks...

to ponder:

spiritual

mental

physical

emotional

there isn't a reason to ponder the intellectual. this is who i am. who i strive and want to be. THE side i would want to be most. most identified with. most acknowledged as.

this is me.

my spiritual changes. always wants to be good. doesn't desire controversy. is slightly afraid of what is unknown but isn't afraid to grow, learn, see.

my mental isn't what i thought it was. i am sane, have my wits, keep the balance. but in maturity, i am not always mentally where perhaps i should be.

physically, i am always wanting. hungrier than i should be. sleepy. lazy. but i am strong. healthy. capable. now i must be disciplined. better. faster.

emotionally. i am a wreck. i deny. i haven't accepted. i am not as emotionless as i would have hoped. i am moved. swayed. emotional. more so than i care to acknowledge.

for two weeks:

no FB

no tipsiness

no turning away from painful truths

no medicine

no seeking attention

for two weeks:

meditation

facing the uncomfortable memories

eyes. wide. open.

working. moving.

reading and feeding my mind.

looking inside and beyond. and back inside.

for two weeks i am 40. and then another year. and ever my seconds closer to death. to the end of me.

but until then... life. all i need and want and dare for it to be.

two weeks to ponder, prepare and push.