Inklings

family book club, the FINAL CHAPTER

2012-01-31T21:17:00.001-06:00

Tonight we wrapped up our first month's focus for 2012, Family Book Club. We'd inadvertently decided that "without writing, there wouldn't be reading," to put it in my 7-year-old's words. He suggested last week that for our last Club meeting, we each bring an original piece to share with the group.

I was amazed! Impressed! Inspired! And thoroughly entertained! What a wonderful time of sharing, bonding and learning.

Dylan opened up the night's readings with his story, "The Puppy." His love of all things canine should have prepared us for his topic. His story was sweet, well written and flowed toward a happy ending. I was very impressed with the length and detail he put into his work. He had handwritten two full pages in a relatively short time span earlier this evening. But my guess is that he'd had the story in his head and heart for quite some time.

David, my 9-year-old, worked longer on his piece; he was the most nervous because writing doesn't come easily to him. But what a great job he did! His didn't have a title but he opened with a quote: "It is easy to see, but hard to foresee" -- Benjamin Franklin. He later revealed that he drew this from memory because his class takes in a "quote of the day" at school. (*I looked it up just now to find this from Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanack: "Tis easy to see, hard to foresee.") I was utterly inspired! In all my years of writing, I don't remember ever once opening with a quote. Wow! His was a tale of woe, about a scientist who'd convinced the world he had the cure for cancer, only to find out years later that his potion was venomous and deadly to the masses. He included a drawing of the cure's chemical structure at the end of his story. So awesome!

My story came next. I continued with a line of stories that I tell the boys once in a while at bedtime, loosely titled the D and D Adventures. They're stories about two brothers who both go by "D" (you're never certain which D is which) and they're various life lessons. Today's story was "Play Ball!"

My husband wowed us at the end with his short piece that I actually plan to post as a separate entry later today or tomorrow. It was really something special but I don't want to get into it too much and spoil the fun. We were so entertained and impressed... there were high-fives all around when we finished our Club meeting tonight.

We didn't always know exactly what we were going to do each week with our book club, but we definitely challenged ourselves and encouraged one another's creativity. January proved to be somewhat hectic at times, but we managed to stay on task with our monthly family focus. I'm excited as we look ahead to other monthly adventures. We've traded out New Sports/Workouts for Politics (for those who may have read earlier posts) because Politics is definitely something new for us around here. None of us are particularly "into" that scene. At the very least, we'll learn a thing or two about how the election process works.

And, because we just couldn't wait until tomorrow, we ending our time by drawing next month's focus from our 11 remaining topics... New Places! In February, we'll try and pack in visits to lots of new places from restaurants and museums to parks and cities we've yet to experience.

All in the name of family bonding and memory making!

mountain time

2012-01-27T18:09:00.003-06:00

In Jamaica, the term "island time" was all about taking it nice and slow, easy does it, and who needs a watch anyway?

In the mountains, time and again I've found that time doesn't seem to slow. There are no tides to watch or sand to run your toes through... there isn't a pulse of life to ponder just beneath the surface. Nothing here to pattern your heartbeat after, nothing to calm the noise like a mother's breath or soothing lullaby.

Mountain time seems not to be a slowing of time. Time seems to stop altogether. Completely.

For hours, the sun resides behind the giants who've called this place home longer than I can imagine. The clouds come and go, up and down the mountainsides but only for a little while. Angel fire might remind you to slow down and take a breath or two, but she's gone before you can grab your camera or a nearby loved one. She's a rogue visitor, and gone before she matters much.

The mountains stand unchanged, unmoved, unyielding in their power and strength. All you can do, really, is look at them. It's awe-inspiring to see their heights and know you could never just stroll on up there on a casual whim. These beasts aren't so easily taken. Their mysteries are ancient, hidden and not carelessly given away. Even a wind whisper from the glorious ranges don't tell the full story. Such rumors only tease and tempt the wandering soul.

For several minutes, at least, I took in their vastness. Sipping tea slows time, but sitting beneath a majestic mountain range blurs it all together... a seamless breath that can't be held or controlled. You can literally forget it's there, this requisite labor of mere mortals. So truly, time stands still. As do they.

I'm taking the day to enjoy stopped time. My much needed inner improvements will just have to wait. Wait for tomorrow... that is, assuming that time moves forward and tomorrow comes after all.

lopez family values

2012-01-19T09:55:00.001-06:00

There are some changes going on in the Lopez household. Some dear friends reminded me recently that such is our time... our lifestyles are affected in ways I can't always understand but I do know that I hate to feel I am going backward. I grew up in a home where my parents were ever moving forward, and continue to do so today. They wanted and worked for "better" for us; who -- including me -- doesn't want that for their children?

It's been a while since I've had to be this aware of the dollars we spend and the way we make use of our resources. And in reality, this isn't a bad thing. For my personal life, I believe I always should be mindful of: what we're spending, how and where we're spending, what's coming in, what's going out, what can be let go, what we can share, what we can sell. I'm a minimalist, so why do I need three pairs of running shoes, especially since my running habit is sporadic at best?

Less meals out and more meals at home benefits us in MANY ways, but sometimes I don't like to cook. Sometimes eating out is just more "fun" or convenient. Or is it? Eating out means we each have to get dressed and out the door, which is sometimes easier said than done! Eating out means we have to choose a place with limited options; sometimes we are SO indecisive, it drives me nuts! Ultimately, eating out means we usually have to pay double or triple the amount of what it costs to eat at home.

Where I live is awesome. I love the people, the scenery, the schools. I wouldn't change it. But sometimes, just sometimes, I can get caught up in the "desperate housewives" of it all. Oh, how I love the women and fellow moms I've met. I'm not calling any of them desperate. I've met amazing, intelligent, generous, creative and loving housewives and working moms. But just because Mom X gets a manicure every week or has a maid or drives a *enter AWESOME car here*... just because these are the realities of some of the people around me, this may not be my reality. And that's more than OK. I've never been prone to jealousy, but I think it's easy to just SEE and WANT without even realizing it! Not only that, but these "things" are just that... THINGS. The REAL and GOOD stuff? Aw, man. I feel I have way beyond my portion in that area: healthy and brilliant and beautiful kids; an amazing, kind, patient, generous, hard-working genius of a husband; WONDERFUL friends, both here and where we're from (Waco); extended family always ready to help, support and give whatever we need. These "things" are the ingredients of a "good life," not the car, the mansion, the trips, the stuff. Not that I don't like a nice, new car or a fabulous handbag (boy, do I!), I just have to monitor where my eyes and thoughts and, ultimately, heart go.

These changes are good changes. Having to remind oneself of what matters most is GOOD. Evaluating my values is good for me and my family, as well as the world at large. I'm just another human on the planet, but today I am a more mindful human than I was a month ago. Today I am reminded to guard where I place true value and worth.

family book club, TAKE 2

2012-01-17T20:02:00.000-06:00

We just had our second family book club meeting. Dad and Mom sipped on beer and wine while the boys had water. Everyone shared a passage from their book of choice, then answered questions and took comments from the group. It was a wonderful time; all the while, Johann Sebastian Bach filled the quiet spaces with his magic. Wonderful!

My boys are getting so much out of this, even if they don't see it yet. I enjoyed hearing them read aloud; they still do this sometimes, but most reading around here is per individual. They took comments and questions with grace and confidence. And when it was the grown-ups' turn, I could see them paying attention before offering up their own insightful commentary and inquiries.

Whatever family time you choose to do, I encourage you to do it with all your heart and with a light-hearted approach. Keep expectations and distractions to a minimum. I'd also suggest keeping criticisms at bay. As our children learn to find and hear and share their own voices now, it might be easier to do this when they're older... when Mom and Dad aren't around to help drown out the noise of a big world that probably isn't as concerned about their reading prowess as I am.

family book club

2012-01-17T16:35:00.000-06:00

January's focus in the Lopez home is called Family Book Club. Last week, we met over dinner at home and talked about the books we're reading, the authors of these books, and their topics. Getting the conversation on reading and books wasn't too hard because literature in all forms is a big part of life around here. My boys have been in a family book club since before they took in their first bit of air.

Dylan shared a little about Diary of a Wimpy kid. He's actually a "better" reader than this, but I'm letting them go with what they want in the moment. Reading is reading, right? My son David is working on his second Harry Potter book, while Dad is making his way through Telling Lies, a book about detecting deception. I chimed in about my first Stephen King novel, 11/22/63.

This week, we're each supposed to bring along and share a passage from our books and tell what impacted us or stood out about these. For my boys, it's a venture into new territory but I'm hopeful it will add to not only their love of books and reading, but also to their ability to engage in conversation, sharing opinions and ideas.

For more information about our monthly family focus endeavors, check out the post two below this one!

my mom's tortillas

2012-01-13T08:06:00.000-06:00

My mother rolled her way out of the picking fields when she was about 12 years old. Her large family, along with extended relatives and fellow migrant workers, spent harvesting time in Indiana each year. Of course, this disrupted school and she later had to earn her GED, but that was life and she didn't have many choices. And while they did work in the north, there was no shortage of heat and discomfort when working to gather tomatoes.

So when her father told her to get into the kitchen one afternoon and start making lunch, she happily obliged, got to rolling what have truly become her famous homemade flour tortillas, and she never looked back.

Decades later, she would tell me this story when -- while waiting anxiously to top a fresh-from-the-comal tortilla with stick butter -- I asked just how she managed to make the most perfect tortillas in the world.

This story is the basis for many other stories I want to pass down and along from my mother. Stories of how her life, in a much simpler time with much less opportunity, molded and shaped her into the woman she is... a strong, generous, orderly and gracious woman. As she likes to remind us, her mother and father were not "educated," but they taught her a thing or two about manners, cleanliness and social awareness. First thing that comes to mind from her varied list of one-liners: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

And so when we visit Mom or she comes to Austin (although she has so very much to offer as a person and she gives it freely), unless there is that obvious aroma of heaven-on-earth lingering in the air, the unspoken question lurking around the house somewhere is usually something along the lines of, "Are there any of Mom's tortillas?"

family focus 2012

2012-01-11T22:30:00.000-06:00

For 2012, my family and I are embarking on new territories by way of structured chance. At the beginning of each month, we'll draw a focus theme out of a hat (or bowl or cupped hands; whatever). For that month, this theme/activity/challenge will be our family focus. I put together 12 things we either haven't done together as a family or are new to most or all of us. It seemed like a fun way to stay connected and grow and learn together in a year that some spook-theorists claim will be our last on earth!

There isn't a formula for all of these, though I have some fun ideas for some. We left off music, hiking, movies, travel, sports, and other things that already have our family interest in a big way.

We're starting the year with "Family Book Club." We've met to discuss what books we're reading and what we enjoy about these books and reading in general. And we have an assignment for our next meeting: bring a passage from your selected reading and share it with the group; tell why you like the passage as well as what you take from it.

Here are the other 11 monthly focuses we'll be taking on in 2012:
* Fashion and Style (Didn't I say we're venturing into new territories?)
* Survival / Emergency (My husband will no doubt be a big help with this one.)
* Facing Fears (Should be interesting!)
* Outdoor Adventures (Because we all love the outdoors already, this should be a way to enjoy them in new or less explored ways... kayaking, camping, gardening?)
* Food / Cooking (My son always wants to help in the kitchen and because I'm not a big fan, I always manage to wiggle out of anything that prolongs the task of cooking. Maybe I'll be inspired!)
* Art (This will specifically focus on the arts we don't participate in or experience, namely drawing, painting and sculpting.)
* Family 5K (There are some specifics here. We walked/jogged our first 5K as a family this past summer in Del Mar, CA. but the challenge here would be to choose a 5K and then focus on training to RUN it.)
* New Places (Not so much just new cities, but also the many places we've not been to as a family in our own city. This could include restaurants, shops, museums, parks, etc.)
* New Sports (We love our baseball and football around here. Ideally, we'll try some new things -- tennis, anyone? -- and maybe find a new love or two.)
* Website, Blogging, Networking (Like it or not, it's the future's wave and we'll possibly create a family site for documenting our life, like monthly family focus time!)
* The Beatles (While this is a music theme, I decided it's an outright shame that ALL FOUR of us have somehow managed to get this far in life with little to no knowledge about the Fab Four. And we call ourselves music fans!)

I've heard from a number of friends that our long family road trips have been inspiring! Perhaps this little at-home way to adventure can encourage you to seek out new paths for you and your loved ones in 2012.

just call me Mrs. Clean...

2012-01-03T22:23:00.000-06:00

I've always been interested in birth order studies. Recently, I've had some clarity about my own complexities because I've come to discover that I have typical characteristics of both a baby of the family (which I am) and an only child or firstborn (because my sisters are six and eight years older than me). This is why I am competitive and seek to please people, which flies in sometimes direct opposition to my free spirit and often times laid back approach to people and old-fashioned rules.

But one thing about me that I cannot shake -- that I dare not be rid of -- is a love for cleanliness and order. I married someone who isn't naturally inclined toward these traits, and I've benefited from this. He has taught me to ease up and relax when my controlling nature would rather harp on something just a little bit longer. Having two young boys, I've taught myself to enjoy being with them rather than spending every waking hour cleaning up after them (though sometimes, I regress).

Still, I love to clean! And damn proud of it! Granted, I can get lazy at times. Sometimes I wish I had a maid come and do it all (I think I haven't committed to this for several reasons, one being that I actually, truly do love to clean my own house myself!); other times, I pray that at least one man in this house would take after me in this department! The older I get, the more I tend to want things "just so" when it comes to cleaning... I want no interruptions, I want to clean MY way and as I choose (so I spend an hour on a spice cabinet... who cares?), and I want to do it myself and usually alone without someone else's "help" (because if I waste time telling you how to do it, trust me, that is no help!).

Today, I started to tackle my less than spotless house. The dust has been berating for weeks, while the carpet... OH, that blasted carpet. I am counting the days until we can pull it up once and for all! My boys are going to get their own room each, if only for a sense of order when it comes to their toys, books and clothes. I love my sons, but I'm done with this house being a community-wide dwelling place. Sure it's OUR house, OUR home... but their stuff shouldn't occupy lots of space in the dining room, sun room, living room AND their bathroom, playroom and bedroom. Enough is enough! They are older now, not babies anymore. Time to contain their belongings to basically one space each (and a shared bathroom), PERIOD!

My task is a big one... try as I might, I get virtually no help in this department. My children rarely remember on their own to put things back from whence they came. My husband -- a hard worker AND student -- does well to keep up with the weekly trash and occasional car and outdoor task; he also likes to cook on occasion. Laundry, dishes, all basic and deep cleaning, picking up, organizing of any kind, etc. falls on me and me alone. And I am so grateful that I love to clean.

So, I'm no cook. I don't craft. My skills are not in the shopping or decorating or PTA arenas. But oh, how I love to clean and care for and organize my home! I'm not especially fond of cleaning toilets, but there is a real sense of accomplishment and satisfaction in taking care of what is mine and what I've been entrusted to care for, even if it means I eventually have to do it (at some level or another) all over again tomorrow!

christmas lists...

2011-12-20T12:08:00.000-06:00

Parents often can be seen with that gah-gah silly smiling thing going on between them but not for what you might think. Sometimes, when our kids do those precious things we know we'll remember forever, there are no words to capture the utter sweetness of the moment. Such will be the case, I know, when I share with my husband our boys' Christmas "Wish List for Santa" lists. (**Please note this was done while with my parents and was their own idea; also, making a list of things we want isn't a practice we have around here). Having said that, please enjoy their lists. I've re-written these lists here with their own punctuation and spelling, and a few notes of my own in parenthesis. I dare you not to have that same silly smile on your face when you're done reading them:

Dylan's Wish list to Santa (*Dylan told me last week that he only 49 percent believes in Santa because he's just not so sure that all that magical stuff is really real, like flying reindeer; he said he doesn't believe 51 percent. I told him I like his honesty and that there will be no threats from me because of his beliefs.)
1. Red football that is medium size but that is in the middle of medium and small.
2. Dallas cowboys shirt with Sean Lee, D. Ware, Jason Witten and Dez Brient. (*Miles Austin is a favorite but he that jersey when we purchased some school clothes.)
3. Xbox 360
4. three D.S. (*I guess he meant a 3-D version of the Nintendo DS?)
5. iPad 2.
6. Kick ball that has a smily face on it
7. iPhone Four
8. sniper nerf gun
9. machine nerf gun
10. A nerf football (*I'm guessing he didn't want to risk not getting this because he actually used the last of his allowance to buy it himself yesterday while getting a friend a birthday gift.)
11. Little Big Planet two on Playstaisan
12. Rainbow Robe with A snowman
13. Sport sun glasses that are red
14. 10 corvet Hotwheels cars
15. A soft Pillow with a snow man Pitcher (*I'm certain he meant picture, not a baseball throwing snowman.)

David's wish list for x-mas! To Santa
1. Fulcan-25 Nerf gun (*He put the little copyright, circled C next to the word Nerf.)
2. 600X microscope
3. A rainbow-colered bed robe
4. An Xbox 360
5. 20-foot flag pole, string, and Baylor Flag
6. The game of Headbands. (*Again, with the copyright mark.)
7. A brand new Mario Party 8 (copyright) on the Wii (copyright)
(*David lost track of his numbering right here, I guess because the 8 confused him. Haha!)
iPad 2
10. an iPhone 4S (*The S was in a box!)
11. sniper nerf gun.
12. machine nerf gun.
(*By this point, I can't really read the numbers.)
1? Disney Universe game for PS3 or Wii

on turning 40...

2011-12-19T21:25:00.000-06:00

Somehow, the day and week came without me sitting down to write one word about the momentous occasion. I've officially occupied the planet now for more than four decades. Amazingly, I feel neither old nor as though I've become any more certain about why I'm even here.

But I was thinking that maybe the question is irrelevant; that rather, the answer is found in what one does, who one is, and how one lives.

Last week, I took time and enjoyed a few of my favorite things: family, friends, the arts, tea, books, fun, football, Italian food. I did this without guilt, even when my kids stayed with my parents an extra night, giving me some much needed and long overdue down time alone with my husband.

This week, a world of responsibilities is calling me back to reality: Christmas, shopping, cleaning, laundry, winter break. I made a few changes last week and I'm determined to stick with these, but always it's the battle in my head that wages the most vicious war.

So when a blah moment wanted to come over me today, I looked into the eyes of my 7-year-old who was ecstatic to be home again and throwing the football with me. I touched the hand of my husband who should have been doing homework (he has a 4.0 to maintain, after all!) but was instead enjoying a movie with us after making sliders. I snuggled with my 9-year-old who was, oddly enough, cold and under a blanket and in need of mommy's arm.

And in the simplest of terms, I knew. I knew, and I always will know, why I'm here.

words to grow on

2011-09-07T11:28:00.000-05:00

The following was used in a newsletter by my good friend, Russell Chapa, for his band (CHAPA) in honor of Burning Man. I'm grateful for his title suggestion, as well as his consistent support!

Turning 40 truly is a milestone, whether I want to admit it or not. But I think I'm embracing that milestone. I've never been afraid of "getting old" and I usually keep a positive attitude about things that are inevitable... things like change, the passing of years and aging.

I could tell you some of the more obvious negative effects I am experiencing with this coming of age: less clear vision when reading, feeling just a little more tired a little more often, a little aching in my joints that comes outta nowhere!

But I think I'll share the bragging rights I've acquired over these 39+ years; the things I find I am more than happy and willing to own about my impending 40th anniversary as a human being:

"I know more than you know." Ask my kids, I use this argument in various ways all the time as I proudly say, "I'm almost 40 years old... I know all about driving/laundry/politics/astrophysics/etc."

"I am a grown-ass woman! I'm almost 40 years old!" Of course, this kind of obvious mockery of authority whispers at immaturity, but the truth is, no one younger than you is going to question this argument. NO ONE!

"Everything old is new again." I've convinced myself that I'm cool (not old) when some kid tells me about some novel thing he's into and I'm like, "Oh yea, we used to do that." The whole been there/done that thing is a little over used, but it's still effective, especially when it's true.

"When I was a kid..." Everything was better quality, cheaper prices, safer and more genuine. Of course this isn't always true, but it's fun to look back and know that you witnessed music, movies and books that were AT LEAST as cool as the stuff today.

"Eh, I'm old." As a final straw, this bit of earned clout is the default of all defaults. Let's say you're really tired, for no particular reason, and people want to give you a hard time about it... just tell them you're old! What about you're ever decreasing interest in things like roller coasters, late night buffets, hangovers and traffic? Just tell 'em old people "like me" don't have time for this crap! It might sound like an excuse but, damn it, we've earned this excuse!

In all honesty, I feel pretty great. And not "considering I'm almost 40;" I just feel good about life. I know that my parents are aging, my children are growing up, the cost of living is rising and my metabolism will continue to slow no matter what. But there is something to be said for the fact that I've made it this far in one piece, relatively speaking. Even the pieces that I lost and found along the way have made me who I am today. I can either accept and love life as is or be miserable wishing for what was or fearing what might be. Hell, I'm a grown-ass woman, and I'm just getting started!

..

cleaning house

2011-08-25T17:52:00.000-05:00

Cleaning house requires nerves of steel.

People are always encouraging you to keep what you don't need "just in case." You start to doubt yourself and before you know it, the "to go" pile is two-deep and the "keep" pile is a bigger mess than you started with!

Making time to clean house is an entirely different battle. Right about the time you get up the resolve to take out the trash and do some nitty gritty scrubbing, it seems like everybody in your life decides they "need" you. Before you know it, you've not only put off cleaning, you've also added to your junk. You've run out of time, patience and energy.

Of course, even if you are able to clean house, the old stuff often seems to find its way back inside. And even if you keep out the old, new dust and grime settles in quicker than you can call on Mr. Clean (who might be otherwise preoccupied anyway!). You look for backup support, but it just isn't always there. You look inward, but realize the only sound you hear coming from within is the muffled snarl of deep-sleep breathing, but it's better than moans of despair or screams of insanity.

Cleaning house isn't some domestic rite of passage for stay-at-homers. It's just part of life. A stressful, unpleasant, excruciating part of life.

change

2011-08-25T03:05:00.000-05:00

If change could come as quickly and easily as the spoken word, I would...

Be passionate about some form of exercise.

Stop comparing myself to others.

Write for hours and come up with something to actually publish.

Love to cook, and settle for nothing less than the best foods for my family.

Find something I love in this life that isn't about my husband or children.

Make big bucks doing something I love!

haiku for momma

2011-08-03T21:59:00.001-05:00

Teaching me letters
Earliest of memories,
Trained in motherhood

Rolling tortillas
Working the early mornings
Telling me good-night

Laughter like silver
Light-catching, free, like spring time
Love for the masses

Wisdom flows freely
Sharing with others always
Listen and you'll learn

the stuff

2011-08-03T20:02:00.002-05:00

What is all this other stuff for, anyway?

For about three weeks, my family of four lived out of two overnight bags, a suitcase, a duffel bag and an ice chest. Suddenly, these extra... spaces... filled with so much extra... stuff!... seem utterly superfluous. I managed quite nicely without a pantry (even though I cooked for several days straight) or even a week's worth of clothes (we each had about three changes of clothing with us -- including adequate clothing for colder temperatures -- and I made use of laundry facilities about three times).

So the board games, DVDs, computers and extra seating seem so silly at the moment. I know at some level and for various occasions these items are "needed." But I can't stress enough the fact that for almost a month, I didn't miss these things at all!

ugly truths and confessions...

2011-04-08T04:28:00.006-05:00

...or maybe I just need to go to bed. Nonetheless, these are the not-so-pleasant thoughts occupying my mind right now. It's a lot, it's not pretty, and it's not for fans of the ups. In fact, it's an outright downer, but you were warned! If you ever wanted to know more of the REAL me, here it is:

My kids bring home a bunch of crap. Stuff they "create" and stuff they "win" and it's all just more junk that's messy-ing up my house. Thanks for nothing; God knows I don't have enough guilt already!

I'm not beautiful, and he doesn't think so either. I see where men want to have pictures of their wives, or take pictures of their wives. Not my husband. I'll give him this... I gripe about how I turn out in pictures. Still, if someone calls you "beautiful" and they claim to be talking about your looks, seems like they'd want photos of you. I'm just saying.

No dreams would be better. I'd be so much better off and happier if I could just shake off that feeling inside that there's more to me that what I am and what I've become. JUST STOP ALREADY! THIS IS IT! I mean, heck, I couldn't even brush my hair and put on nail polish today because everyone else's stuff somehow always comes first.

Sadness is easy. Too bad it's frowned upon to cry at will, stomp ones feet in protest and throw fits in public. You know, unless you're a toddler.

I think I have a food addiction. Even when I'm not hungry, I really like the feel of swallowing food that tastes good... pasta, tortillas, cake, buttered bread, almonds. I think I have a problem.

Selfishness is harder than I thought. I actually really like my kids, and I enjoy my life revolving around them. Doing more for ME is harder than I thought it would be. Amazing!

Nighttime ain't the right time. The rest of this darn society dictates rise n shine. People like me, who seem to click on at night, are screwed. For life!

Everyone fails you. Yourself, your best friend, your closest confidant, your priest, your parent. Everyone. Yes, even GOD! Because so much of the GOD relationship is OUR perception, OUR mood, OUR behavior, OUR feelings. Trust me, with that much OUR in anything, it's doomed!

We have some major differences. My hubby and I love each other and love to be together, but we have some majorly different outlooks on things. Things that we used to agree upon; things that I bet some "professionals" would see as too different to succeed. I wonder how long we can go on like this and if these differences will ever take a toll on our marriage? Thinking about this makes me sad and want to cry because these are somewhat serious issues. Next!

I sleep a lot; more than I'd admit to anyone. I realize this could be a sign of something sinister (like depression or an iron deficiency) but I'm not up for going to a doctor to have him tell me, "You're depressed. Let's talk about why." I'd just say, "Read my blog!"

He's just a man. My husband really, truly is a wonderful husband and father. We really are close and get along so well. I'm not trying to convince myself because this is about honesty anyway. BUT, the more time goes by, the more I'm realizing that in so many ways, he is just as typical as the next man. And if I can say that about my guy, then I KNOW there are no Prince Charmings!

So the other night... I have more than my share of regretful nights. One was last year when I got sick at a wine night with a bunch of females I didn't know (except one or two). And do you know what was the end-all worst part about not remembering what happened? Thinking about how my friend probably saw my disgustingly huge gut! If you don't know, you don't know. Without much work, I could pose for a fairly pregnant woman most days of the week. You know, unless I'm starving myself. Which reminds me...

Starvation is the only thing that works. If you've ever seen me "thin" or "toned"... and if this was AFTER high school (when I was long and skinny and flexible like a bendy straw) and AFTER college (when I at least still had metabolism on my side), chances are you were seeing the effects of mild to moderate starvation. I'm not kidding. At all. We're talking major calorie-restriction. And THAT's what works, EVEN with running and hard workouts. It's the NON food that does the trick. That's my reality at least.

We do the same thing every night. I pretty much love it because it's OUR time. But I am wondering if I love it because I'm used to it and I'm lazy. Movie/TV/Game/Food (usually). Hmm.

Speaking of starvation... I may never go back that way again. I'm ALMOST, but not quite, ready to resolve that I was a skinny kid but just as I was never destined to be a beautiful woman, I was probably never really naturally cut-out to be a thin woman.

You know, I keep SAYING I'm going to throw myself a fun 40th birthday party weekend... but something tells me I won't. At least not the way I've envisioned it. Unlike many women who let themselves at least once do it all out (their wedding, a weekend away, a spa trip, SOMETHING), I'll likely chicken out, and likely in the name of frugality or time (you know, something for someone else was more important).

I don't cook nearly as much as I think I should, and I let my kids eat in the living room more than a couple of times a week. And I am not okay with or proud of either of these things. I'm outright ashamed.

Green Monster rules the day. As much as I find that I really like my female friends, the truth is, I am envious of most, if not all, of them. There is one friend I dread going to lunch with because I have to endure the stares of others (looking at her) and being reminded that yeah, I'm basically chopped liver. Then there's the friend who I find I am comfortable with but around whom I am not making the best choices. And then there's the friend who I wonder about in terms of our true "friendship." The conversation is always about her anyway. Is that even friendship? What grade am I in? I'm jealous of the friend who works out consistently, the friend who doesn't work out consistently but still looks like she works out consistently, the friend who manages and takes the time to capture all her beautiful children's life moments on film (I'm thinking I should just eBay my stupid camera!), the friend who makes some income and still finds the time to be a very involved mom, the friend who has a maid, the friend whose husband takes her out to dinner or on trips, the friend who doesn't have a maid and still has enough pride in herself to keep her home clean, the friend who has lots of fun girlfriend time, the friend who doesn't seem to care that her whole life is spent on PTA because she believes in it so much, the friend who... well, maybe I'M the one whose not really a friend.

My in-laws aren't huge fans. My parents don't hold back on showing love to my husband, and I'm actually very keen on this. But sometimes, I have literally thought they love him more... if not more, than at least loved him with a greater sense of unconditional love... as though their love for me has some sort of strings attached... "Hey, we did a good job raising you in a totally functional home; don't go failing on us!" But this is NOT reciprocated in the slightest from David's family, namely his mom. I've chalked it up to the fact that she was a single mom and so maybe there is some of that "us against the world" mentality still lurking around all these years later. Either way, it irks me. She is good to my kids and has never tried to tell me how to be a wife or mother, and of course her son (like his brother and two sisters) can do no wrong. But I've said on more than one occasion that I don't particularly like being treated like a second-class citizen by my mother-in-law, especially since on occasion my own father has openly favored David over me. I get over it time and again (another "Grow up, LoAna!" moment), but I hope and pray that if life ever finds me without my own parents, and with David's mom still alive, I don't weakly cave in and call her anything close to "mom" or turn to her in need of motherly love, compassion or advice; humility be damned!

The t-shirt thing is a real bummer! I hate that I usually wear t-shirts. I try not to hate this side of myself, but I can't help it. I always wish I could look cute or have more fashion sense and style than I seem to. Makes me sick that I give such a damn.

Well, I haven't worked out all week. We even had our monthly family meeting where everyone talks about their short-term goals for the month ahead, and I'm still doing nothing. My motivations are superficial and meaningless (going out for a night, meeting up with friends, seeing old friends, etc.), and once they're gone, there is a big chance my "drive" is gone, too.

I still worry a LOT about what my parents think. I'll go toe-to-toe with anyone who says they do, too. I stress out way too much on this one. I can't seem to shake it. Ugh. Another topic that makes me sad because I feel I will never be free of this.

Lacking confidence. As I approach 40, I realize that the first half of my life was filled with self-confidence. I was ready to conquer the world! How and in what way, I wasn't sure. But I was ready and willing to take on anything. Something happened right around the time of what is the halfway point in my life. Was it post-high school? Was it college life? Was it boyfriend issues? Was it simply having to grow up? I'm not happy with where my life is, as far as ME (the me that isn't a mom or wife or daughter or sister... those roles I seem to manage pretty well). Figuring out how to get this next part of life (AFTER this second half as been somewhat bleak) back on track is one daunting task, to say the least. Currently, I'm just not up for the challenge. At all.

getting old sucks...

2011-03-28T21:55:00.000-05:00

No matter what anyone says, I'm getting older. And this blog is dedicated to the most annoying parts of this "journey" that I've encountered so far.

* BATHROOM CONCERNS: I find that I have to really think twice about whether or not I can have something to drink before hitting the road. This really irritates me!

* WORKING OUT BLAHS: With all my heart, I've not wanted to use gimmicks to get and stay healthy. I've seen the numbers go down -- when I'm going hardcore -- but I've also seen them slide back up when I try to get back to real life. And it just sucks that the older I get, the harder it REALLY is to lose even a couple of pounds. This SUCKS!

* VISION PROBLEMS: I always had 20/20 vision, but once I started to see blurry, it went downhill fast. I have reading glasses but I don't really have to use them. It's just most annoying when I can't see what that tiny speck on my hand is!

* MEMORY / SPEECH ISSUES: This one REALLY sucks. More and more, I've realized that I've said the wrong thing when giving my family direction (like mistaking the boys shirts or putting the wrong snack in the wrong backpack). Nothing major, but I fear this is just the beginning.

* FEELING TIRED: Another big one that I hate. I've always felt pretty young at heart, until now. I exercise, I'm tired. I rest, I'm tired. I take it easy, I'm tired. I do hard work, I'm tired. I stay indoors, I'm tired. I volunteer, I'm tired. I do exactly what I want to do, I'm tired. I eat whatever, I'm tired. I eat more healthy options, I'm tired. I skip caffeine, I'm tired. I drink coffee, I'm EVENTUALLY tired again.

There is no upbeat wrap-up to this blog. I guess I just either wanted you to know you aren't alone OR I wanted to share the glory that is yours to come!

cinnamon apples are a recipe for life

2011-03-07T17:51:00.002-06:00

With my boys home sick today and tomorrow, I find it rather easy to put off more pressing chores (laundry!) in order to tend to their needs and keep them comfortable. I guess if they were destined to get strep throat, might as well knock it out two-fer style!

I made them cinnamon apples yesterday and today. Jack Johnson might sing about banana pancakes and how they have the power to make everyday seem like a lazy weekend (no wonder my three Ds love this song), but I realized something about life while peeling sliced apples today. It's a little recipe that isn't hard to follow if we'll just take the time...

Take fresh apples... because they're awesome and simple, perfectly sweet and juicy, and available in enough varieties to keep you interested. If it's really good for you, do it!

Slice and cut them... with a slicer if you have one. Nothing wrong with adding a bit of convenience when laboring in love. If not, work that knife. Be careful, but don't be afraid!

Peel them... unless you want that extra "good for you" factor. See, this is the part that takes so long for me. I could peel it first, but either way this is the slow part. It can get tedious, trying not to waste too much apple, while also doing the chore of removing what the kids don't want. They'll eat the peel, but sometimes, you just gotta give in and give them what they want. It's ok!

Add them to a little bubbling water... which also took a little time but only very little since there isn't much water to boil. And is there anything more perfect and refreshing than water? It's life-giving, pure and simple.

Throw in some sugar... we use the raw stuff around here. It's the sweetness of life. Personally, I think apples are sweet enough, but to ensure you're more picky eater consumes all this goodness, why not? A little sugar goes a long way, and a little sugar doesn't take away from the nutritious value of apples. Neither do laughter and smiles take away from life's responsibilities, but it can sure make them more bearable.

Top off with cinnamon... because whatever you consider the spice of life, the spice is what keeps it all balanced. Not too sweet, not too tart. Life needs this, and so do warm apples to give them just that little bit of variety.

Serve and let them eat as soon as they can. It takes a little time to make, but seeing my boys eat something they like that's also so good for them is well worth the little extra effort. That I took the time to make a snack for them myself makes it even that much more valuable.

Such can be life, really. Some work, some patience, some sweet and some spice, and a whole lot of love. This was today's recipe for life!

so, what's with...

2011-03-04T08:51:00.002-06:00

My hope is to have more "meaningful" blog posts of substance. A fellow writer, whose opinion I value, encouraged me to be true to myself in what I write and that I can't go wrong. He echoed my own sentiments.

Having stated this, I can promise you (my unknown reader!) that sometimes my blogs still will be about the somewhat superficial, the evidently elementary, and the mind-boggling maddening and moronic! Moronic might be a bit harsh... I was on a roll.

So, what's with...

*All those smirk-pout non-smiles girls of a certain age are doing for pictures ALL THE TIME nowadays? For one thing, it's so done by now, I can't believe any of them think it's even remotely "cool" (that is, unless cool actually means that every other girl and her puppy is posing in this EXACT same way). Also, I've seen REALLY cute girls look REALLY not cute when assuming this face pose. Eww! Stop it already!

*Letting your kids be loud at the library? Hey you... it's a LIBRARY! If you want to let your kids run around like the world is their own planet of the apes, take them to a Barnes & Noble. Better yet, take them to a park! Whatever you do, tell them to be quiet while you're in the library. Three crucial words to all who are or would be parents: WATCH YOUR KIDS!

*People STILL texting and driving? Who or what is THAT important? I'll tell you who or what... no one or nothing, that's who or what.

*Brooke Burke? I find that while I want to like her, I also want to hate her. Did she really just "write" and publish a book trying to relate to me in written form just because we both happen to 1) speak English and 2) share the same gender tag? The title of her book has the word "naked" in it. Relate to me? I don't think so, sister!

*Tolerance? I think I'm pretty tolerant. However, I find that lots of people who call themselves tolerant are among the first to get pissy when THEY decide someone else (usually someone who disagrees with them) is INTOLERANT. Hello? YOU'RE the one being intolerant by criticizing someone else whose opinion doesn't sit well with you. Come on!

*Ghetto-speak in writing? Look, I'm not perfect. I don't claim to be. I drop caps all the time (thank you, e e cummings) and use the occasional "u" or "b" (though NEVER in that sequence!). But sometimes, I can't even read it, much less make sense of it all. Maybe that's the point... almost-40-year-old women aren't supposed to be reading it. All I know is, ah cant haaang wit aw da stuf ah cant b reedin, boo. id b makin me krunkd uppp muh peeeeeps. (That was exhausting, and it made me shudder like the thought of breaking my leg!)

*Racist people? I have a friend who is racist! Right then I really wanted to write, "I have a friend who is kinda racist" but we all know either you are or you aren't. Old school generation people stick to their discrimination stories, new generations claim "I was brought up that way," and people in between form their own prejudices. I know it's going to happen, but it's almost the 20-teens! Racism is as outdated as cassette tapes and dot matrix printing.

*Alcohol? Is this an acquired taste? Do beer and vodka and deep red wines really taste good to some people? Did it taste good from that first sip? Is there a gene for that? Cause if so, I didn't get it, even though there was a time long ago when my parents liked their booze. Alcohol, to me, is far behind the likes of Coke, sweet tea and berry lemonades when it comes to taste. I just can't believe people like alcohol so much!

*Sports parents? I love sports as much as the next crazy mom. I really do. I love to watch my husband, my boys, pro and college sports, and even play when I get the chance. And I'm quite the fan! But I just don't understand how grown people think it's ok to be mean or aggressive with kids in the name of team sports and WINNING! I also don't get parents who place too much emphasis on sports and generally overlook reading, the arts, family time, communication, volunteerism, church, manners, life.

*People who refuse to recycle? Sometimes it's not convenient. Some cities still charge extra to get a curbside recycling bin. Some people are old or stubborn or stuck in their ways, or all of the above. Understandable, I guess. But to outright NOT recycle when it's an easy option is as acceptable as a 9-year-old stomping his feet in public. Yuck! We hear you... your ONE plastic water bottle might not make or break the earth's ecosystem... but if your lousy attitude caught on, it could be one messy planet. Ever see Wall-E?

*Getting old? It's like marriage and parenting. No one can prepare you. People don't even really try. They don't tell you how life-altering, exhausting and difficult any and all of these can be. It's like there's this secret code among married folks, parents and old people that says, "Don't tell 'em! In an effort to continue the species, for the love of God, don't tell them!"

what's crazy

2011-03-03T09:21:00.006-06:00

Some of the very names we call upon in the name of genius and trailblazing are those of people once viewed as crazy. In one day, I might hear a couple of people call other folks "crazy," and it can mean various things: funny, intense, outgoing, hardworking, risky or truly insane. It's a term we use rather lightly.

Let's take a look at what some of the great minds in history and of our time (some of whom were called crazy, or worse!) had to say on the topic. (*YES, this was inspired by all the Charlie Sheen hoopla. How does one watch virtually no TV, spend less than an hour online, and listen to no talk radio, and still know about the mental breakdown this random person might be having?)

*"Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule." -- Friedrich Nietzsche

*"It's crazy, right? To love someone who's hurt you? It's crazier to think that someone who hurts you loves you." -- Jodi Picoult

*"We have psychologized like the insane, who make their insanity greater by striving to understand it." -- Charles Baudelaire

*"Science has not yet taught us if madness is or is not the sublimity of the intelligence." -- Edgar Allan Poe

*"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -- Albert Einstein

Let's also look at a few quotes from some of those very influential minds that, you might agree, sound kinda crazy... or brilliant!

*"To destroy is always the first step in any creation." -- E. E. Cummings

*"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream." -- Edgar Allan Poe

*"Where so many hours have been spent in convincing myself that I am right, is there not some reason to fear I may be wrong?" -- Jane Austen

*"He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice." -- Albert Einstein

*"I think that people at the high end, people like myself, should be paying a lot more in taxes. We have it better than we've ever had it." -- Warren Buffett

*"I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat." -- Edgar Allan Poe

*"It is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so." -- William Shakespeare

I'm not saying Sheen is or isn't crazy. Neither am I saying that in my opinion he should be cast among the aforementioned greats (he shouldn't!). But, is narcissism insanity? Is fantasy? Because at the very least, he seems consumed by these. Charlie Sheen aside, may I simply suggest, keep an open mind...

*"Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes

*"The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success." -- Bruce Feirstein

*"Perhaps a lunatic was simply a minority of one." -- George Orwell

15-year adventure

2011-02-23T21:39:00.005-06:00

When I met David, he was still in high school. He was young, handsome, driven, athletic and one of the most charismatic people I'd ever met... without even trying. Almost 20 years later, he is still those things... older and wiser, too.

David brought so much to my life, to my very sheltered, charmed, loving life complete with Mom, Dad, sisters and all the security one kid could ask for. He brought adventure, controversy (tattoos, motorcycles, fireworks, guns, etc.), challenge and insight to my world. He has somehow managed to love me completely while also accepting me for who I am (faults, too!) and encouraging me to be my best self. David insists I must love myself, while never really acknowledging the many ways I come up short. He pushes me with words he has lived out... overcome, persevere, push through, never give up. These are his ways, and have slowly become mine, too. David introduced me to mountain hikes, trail riding, street racing, camping, shooting ranges, among many other things. I introduced him to a life of music and the written word, reading for pleasure, communicating with openness, family traditions, among many other things.

There is a scale somewhere in our collective subconscious that has been strained and stretched, working overtime at points along our timeline to keep us balanced. We have pushed and pushed... sometimes out of necessity, other times out of good old-fashioned stubbornness and pride. But always we come back to a balance that not only works for us, but completes us.

Five years after meeting, we married and even more years later, had children. I can't explain how perfectly these two little boys balance us and all that we are and still dare to dream about becoming. They, too, are challenging, inquisitive, heavy on personality and headstrong... obviously offspring of two people who at times can barely occupy the same space and time in the universe without killing each other. And I say this in the most endearing way possible.

The truth is, David and I choose each other. Each and every day, for better or worse, for crappy or celebratory, in youth and age, with promises both broken and unrealized, we CHOOSE each other. We like each other. Terms like "best friends," "soul mates" and "the one" come to mind. These would not be inaccurate overstatements.

Even now, we face a plethora of challenges that push us beyond what we know and where we're comfortable. The beauty of all the trials and tribulations in life is summed up in these few words for me: I get to be with David!

kite flying

2011-02-14T01:33:00.007-06:00

There is a whisper on my life's wind, letting me know that if I will align myself and wait for that breeze to take me, I will surely find myself freely flying above the world below, soaring on the air I take for granted most moments.

When we took our boys to fly kites today, there were a couple of less than peaceful moments... tangled tails, crossed lines, detached string, sporadic wind. But once the boys managed to bet on the right breeze, there was no looking back. Their Spiderman and gecko kites were magic... risen phoenixes taken to heights we didn't dare imagine. Maybe because these were old kites that had been sitting in the back of their playroom closet for years; maybe because they were party favors from some long-ago birthday party; maybe because they were inexpensive trinkets we didn't want to set our hopes upon. It's funny how easily we judge things based on where they come from... clothing, kites, people.

Yet, despite their humble beginnings, these kites were the apple of my eye for several glorious moments on this fine February afternoon... more beautiful than the magnificent blue sky behind them, more awe-inspiring than the midday moon. For even into the night, I can hear my boys' squeals of delight and triumph, and I can remember that flights are made of these -- unexpected, gorgeous moments with just the right amount of wind and just the right temperature. And even then, one must work to make the flights actually happen.

In the end, each of my sons had to pull his kite in, spooling its string gently back into place while keeping a watchful eye on the ever-descending kite and tail. Spiderman and the gecko made their way back to earth, but it was Mommy and Daddy who would later recall their notable excursions into the wild, blue yonder.

Should I ever find the words to express to my sons what their kite flying did for me this day, I hope to share with them. Because right now, I can't quite put my finger on what it is that seems so close I can almost touch it, yet far enough away that I almost fear missing that perfect breeze... that is, until the next one comes along.

boys must be boys

2011-02-08T04:34:00.006-06:00

I keep wondering what's to become of this generation of boys growing up with parents like me. And I'm not even one of the most protective parents I know.

You always hear stories, in books and in movies and from all the guys you know, that involve things like swimming or playing in a nearby body of water, riding bikes for HOURS at a time, hanging out in a clubhouse or treehouse, etc. You know, the stuff of postage stamp designs!

Well, I don't try to overly baby my 8- and 6-year old boys, but I can tell you that neither them or any of their friends that I know of (and I talk to lots of mommas of boys) ride bikes all over the place or get into any number of messes while playing outside for hours having boy adventures. And I'm just wondering what this lack of opportunity for childhood shenanigans will do for my sons and their friends.

Will they one day hit an age where they (and I) are ready to spend lots of time outdoors on their bikes, finding and making their own trails? Will they ever have the chance to hang out at one of the area creeks without the nosey presence of mom and dad? How can they learn the hard and fast lessons that come from a scraped knee or a flat tire or a lost dollar when we're always a holler away and they're money is never far from the safety of home. Why do they need to keep their money handy anyway? There aren't any cool corner stores or soda shops for them to walk to and waste away their afternoons. Wally and Beaver left the scene long ago!

And even when we don't try to keep them ultra busy, they end up with full days. Music lessons, after-school practices, baseball. The things that make a childhood, right?

I plan to keep my eye out for opportunities so my sons can experience some of this freedom I hear men my age talk about. I'm worried that they might not know what to do or how to handle it when life gets messy because they will never have had the forced chance to walk home with blood dripping down their arm from a banged up elbow. I don't mind them arriving at adulthood with a few bumps and bruises if it means important lessons also were learned. But between all the family time we want to spend with them and the constant reminders of how unsafe our world is, I'm just not sure they'll have that chance any time soon.

if you can't laugh at yourself...

2011-02-03T21:18:00.003-06:00

(*A couple of years ago, I wrote the following, with some input from my husband and our friend, John Pena. In Waco, Hispanics are primarily called "Mexicans," whether or not you or anyone in your immediate family is actually from Mexico. I wrote this after moving to Lakeway, although folks in some Waco suburbs could attest to these. Some are real, some are probably real, ALL of them are absolutely likely! And I still think it's a pretty funny list.)

You know you're a Mexican living in the suburbs if you can relate to any or all of these:

*You constantly take up parking on the street because all your extended relatives are sleeping over again. And you own extra cots or blow-up mattresses to accommodate.

*You're usually the only one out on the roads late because you're making a beer or Taco Bell run at 11:45 on a Tuesday night.

*You've been reported for late night music and suspicious smells coming from your backyard.

*You're on a first name basis with the yard guys.

*Everyone on the block asks you to interpret for their maids.

*At least one other relative is using your address so their kids can go to the "good" schools in town.

*You're name is Juan, Jose, Guadalupe or Maria, but people in your community call you John, Joe, Lupe or Mary.

*You bought an SUV to fit in but you just couldn't resist at least one of the following: dropping your vehicle, adding custom rims, having your last name written across the back window or placing a Virgin Mary on your dashboard.

*Your house is the only one with great food smells coming from it every night because every night you're eating beans, rice and tortillas. And you occasionally have friends over to "show off" your "authentic ethnic food" and great cooking skills .

*You've been mistaken for the custodian more than once at your child's school; you've been called "the Nanny," especially if your kids are half-gringo and they favor their Dad.

*The neighbors have asked about your kid's tuba lessons, but it's just the Mexican music coming from your living room.

*Your neighbors have tulips growing in the backyard and a yellow lab for a pet. You have two chickens running around and cactus growing to make recipes passed down from your great-grandma.

*You travel across the border for medical supplies and various medical procedures because it's so cheap, even though your insurance copay is $15.

*You skip the pilates, yoga and spin classes at the gym and instead workout in t-shirts and "wife-beaters" on the free weights to pump up your "guns" and abs.

*Your idea of recycling is using HEB bags as trash liners, refilling water bottles with tap water, and letting your pit bull play with old milk cartons.

*You walk into the local convenience store and they have no idea what you're talking about when you ask for Jarritos soda.

*The next-door neighbor walks over to ask what channel TELEMUNDO is because they want to work on their Spanish by watching the soaps ("novelas").

family meeting OR should we get a puppy?

2011-02-01T21:18:00.010-06:00

For 2011, we're trying something a little different. At the beginning of each month, we're getting together as a family to set forth some short-term goals for the upcoming month, as well as touch base on our New Year's resolutions and reflect back on the previous month's goals. This gives us a chance to evaluate our progress (and get input from others if we want), refocus on our aim, tweak our goals and look forward to new ways to improve ourselves. We have a family journal and we do this AS a family, but working the goals is an independent thing. To each his own, with ample support and encouragement from the rest of us, of course. (*Mid-month, we have a family date night where we talk about the month so far in a relaxed setting... usually over dinner out!)

Tonight we had our second meeting of the year. It was very productive and I am always impressed by the things my children want to do with their lives:

My 8-year-old, David, wants to work on a new invention; Dylan, my 6-year-old, wants to play outside everyday when it isn't too cold. These are just a few of their goals. David also has a goal for growing in height, while Dylan established he wants to make perfect scores on his spelling tests for the rest of the year. WOW!

Dad plans to create and implement four new trading programs at work, while Mom (that's me!) intends to make a final decision about adding a puppy to our brood. I know it will be work, and that most of the work will fall squarely on my shoulders. But something in me believes my boys should experience having a dog. I also believe that if my parents and David's parents could do it, so can we! There is so much to give and gain from being a pet owner; I don't want to rob my children of these opportunities and lessons.

Speaking of my decision, I spent one night last week researching names. You'd think I was having a baby! But I've always been interested in name meanings. While researching, I was reminded and struck by the fact that an aspect of each of our names (either our first or middle) has to do with the ocean and with a quality that comes straight from God: love, mercy, light, grace. To this end, our puppy (IF WE GET ONE!) would need to follow suit.

If we get one, I'll be sure to share our news and write about his or her name. Meanwhile, I'll continue working on my other goals: health and well-being, as well as a commitment to my writing and reading.

When you find yourself evaluating your life among the people you love most in this world, especially those little ones, you want to face them with a good report to share. With every month that comes, I want to have made progress and be a good example to my family.

welcome (back)

2011-01-31T12:32:00.004-06:00

Sometime between April and August of last year, I lost my way.

Well, kind of.

In all honesty, I knowingly took my turns and chose my paths, despite how selfish and hedonistic they were.

And then sometime in October, after a couple of unfortunate events (yes, of my own making), something in me snapped. Snapped back into place, that is.

I was always the good girl, the rules-follower, the "good head on her shoulders" kind of student and daughter. But once I had this life-change last fall, though I can't quite get into what all that involved, I have felt more than ever before as though I am being my most true self. And looking back over this past summer of yet another round of discontent (for I had one more than 20 years ago in 1990), I know that I am here today because of where I was yesterday.

It hurt, it was uncomfortable, it was sad. I very well could have lost all that is good in my life. But love and mercy and grace have prevailed.

Today, I am different. Not only because I'll turn 40 this calendar year, but because of the mistakes I've made and the hard lessons I learned during those months.

I hope if you have any interest whatsoever in human connection, you will join me here any time you have the chance. Share yourself by way of your input and insight. I welcome you to my little place online, where I can exercise who I am and do what I love to do, which is write.

lovework

2010-04-29T21:05:00.001-05:00

it isn't just feeling that keeps me to you. for what if i'm cranky or bored or pissed off? what if there's drama i didn't ask for or worry or illness or unexpected company?

no, it's all of the history of me that's in you. more us than just one, more to us than two.

and now there are people, these two that are so precious and beautiful and ours! i crept in tonight, while you were away, to check on their faces. i might have even stayed. but they were resting, so peaceful. and peace they shall have. with all of my heart and my soul and my power, they will have peace despite me, despite you. despite our humanity, our frailty. they shall have peace.

i closed the door, the wind blew outside and i felt safe. here. our home. our life. our yesterday and our tomorrows. not because we always feel like it, but because we are this, this is us. and it's ours; ours alone.

sister

2010-03-23T17:08:00.002-05:00

In one blink of my eyes, the weight of every horrible thing I've done, said or thought about her landed in the pit of my gut by way of a very tangible throat lump. Sisters are like this, I know. You have your ups and downs, your jealousies (I of her, though I never imagined she would ever be of me), your harsh words and judgments... though they are ever cushioned and eventually blotted out by a lifetime of love, laughter and joyful memories I can only compare with the feeling you get from a perfect afternoon of sunshine, swimming, snacks and sisterly gossip .

She is my biggest supporter, my tumbling companion, my partner in crime, my vacation buddy, my only other person in the world who can laugh with me about our oldest sister in a way no one else could ever understand... come to think of it, no one else better laugh at our oldest sister! The bonds of sisterhood, to me, are of the strongest in the world... right up there with spouse, parent, child.

And in that one blink, I saw myself somewhere I'd never been, looking down a long hallway filled with questionable images... none of which were clear or illuminated. Only shades of questions and wonder and even a little bit of fear. The whispers of sadness clamored for my attention almost instantly. The what-ifs are torturous if you give them even a split-second second glance.

I pressed my ear to the phone in an effort to not miss any of the multi-syllable terms she was using. For some words, even a dictionary can't bring the clarity you need and want for such conversations. I listened, not quite understanding all of it; I listened nonetheless.

My life with sisters has been sweet. There is a line in "Little Women" where Jo tells young Amy not to be silly... that she could never love anyone more than she loves her sisters. It has always occurred to me that there is truth in such a claim... at least for me.

Our parents taught us, in theory and practice, the importance of marital and parental love. But no one had to teach me how to love my sisters... no one had to tell me to show loyalty to death or unconditional love in the face of any and every person who crossed our paths. And no one had to teach me about the very nature of sisterhood that could outlast failed marriages, span breaks in communication, and ease the heartaches of life.

For all that lies ahead, just as all that has come and gone, I trust such love and friendship will get us through. For I am the most fortunate of women to have the grace and love and support of two amazing women I get to call "my sister."

never enough

2010-03-06T09:06:00.000-06:00

If you subscribe to any sort of media influence of what's beautiful, successful or important, you have to accept this fact: it's NEVER ENOUGH.

Conspiracy theorist or not, a person has to accept this when it comes to what is seen or heard from those who would have us use their product, wear their brand or consume their beverage. Because if you ever did get enough or if you ever did reach a place of contentment, the powers that be would not have done their job. We MUST be made to feel incompetent, undesirable, disconnected. Only when we are vulnerable in these ways will we look outward for the solution: the right cell phone, cologne, vehicle or beauty regimen.

In China, the ban on plastic surgery has been lifted and people are going into hospitals by the hundreds on any given week to have their eyes altered or their legs stretched. I find this western influence sad because millions of people there are starting to believe the hype that what you are NOW just isn't good enough.

Until you have your own personal definition of beauty, success or happiness, you'll never be satisfied. If you are looking for fulfillment in places and people and products, you'll always come up short and unsatisfied.

I encourage you to strip away from your mind all the mental junk that you've accumulated over the years of your life. If you've already had this realization and you're working some of this stuff out of your life, be a influence for someone else. And if you're just starting, it's not that hard.

You'll know what stuff you need out of your head if you'll just be on the lookout for it. It's the voice that resides somewhere in the corner of your mind saying, "You're just not ________ enough; you need more _______; you'll never be _______." And it probably sounds like the voice of a commercial announcer!

change

2010-02-10T07:52:00.001-06:00

The first rule of CHANGE is... you can only change yourself.

The second rule of CHANGE is... REALLY get that first rule into your head!

Some people (many of them married or parenting children) spend a great deal of time and effort trying to change other people. Ultimately, it is a futile waste of time and you'll often end up with someone who's even that much more determined NOT to change or who has made changes (at least on the outside) but at the cost of resenting you (often buried on the inside and waiting to come out in unexpected ways). You may find that you can have great influence on someone, but that's usually when you aren't even trying. When it comes to change, we can strive to change a person, a government, a people or the world, but the only change we can ever succeed at 100 percent of the time is within ourselves. (When the completely unexpected occurs, we can move to a place where we accept and work around the things we can't control but that might seem to dictate how we live our lives, even if this means we alter our perception of the world around us.)

That we can only ever really change ourselves is a beautiful concept about change that I think people don't like to face. But in reality, it is the most perfect and harmonious of qualities about change. Whatever I might think is wrong with the world, I must first alter within myself. For example, I know that sodas aren't good for much of anything. My kids already don't drink them very often, but there were times when we had the occasional 12-pack on hand. But the fastest and easiest way for them to drink even less came the day I decided to stop drinking them myself. In reality, that part wasn't hard, ONCE I DECIDED TO ADOPT THIS CHANGE FOR MYSELF IN A REAL WAY. Everything else came pretty easy after that, too. My children get a soda when we eat out (which is also less and less these days) and the drink is included in their meal. And I know they enjoy it when they do, but they don't miss it in the day-to-day living. Such is the effect of change.

Whatever you are wanting for yourself, you have to know by now that only YOU can make this happen. You may find a great deal of help in the form of prayer, support from someone else or others, motivational readings or positive thinking. But in the end, if you want to lose weight... ONLY YOU can do the exercise and/or take in less calories; if you want to read more, ONLY YOU can pick up that book and read the words; if you want to connect with others, ONLY YOU can do your part by calling or writing someone today.

It is NOT always easy to actually get the ball of change rolling. But when you factor in the concept that you can only control the changes YOU make -- and therefore eliminate the stress and complications of trying to get OTHERS to do as you want -- it actually makes things a lot less difficult.

And the beauty of it all is that you have everything it takes within yourself at any given time (any time of day or day of the year) to make change a reality. You will likely have to overcome all kinds of obstacles (isn't this always the case?) but nothing and no one can get in your way when you determine once and for all for yourself that change is required. You -- and only you -- really can make the changes you need to in your life.

2010

2009-12-30T13:38:00.000-06:00

What writer doesn't ponder LIFE around this time every year? What human, at least in the U.S., doesn't? Many of us are creatures of both habit and an unwavering drive to be better tomorrow than we are today.

The problem with this outlook is that we're doomed to never reach our ultimate end. How can one ever be happy with where one is in life if one is always seeking to be better in some unknown future? This dilemma -- to be at peace with who I am now versus finding motivation to improve myself each and every day -- is a daunting one at best. Most days, I'd rather not think about it. Some days, I don't.

On these days, I merely get up and live. I wake up early (even if I'm extremely tired), I tend to my children (even if they aren't on their best behavior), I tend to my home (even if I don't get everything done like I want), I connect with my husband (even when we have to wait until the end of the day to enjoy each other's company), I serve my community and honor my commitments (even when this isn't convenient) and I love those I've been blessed to love (even if they are miles away).

When I look back, I realize I do these things everyday. What's left are those holes wherein I need to fit a few things that don't have my enduring commitment. For me, a main one is exercising most days. I like to workout, I enjoy working out, I have the time and I have the opportunity. There is a change in mindset that must occur for me to do this everyday -- just as I love my children everyday, just as I love my husband everyday. I must also love myself every single day.

There seems to be two kinds of people in the world -- those who love themselves too much and those who don't love themselves enough. I'd love to find some wonderful place in the middle to live out my days. A nice, healthy, balanced area in the middle where I can say, "I deserve this," but also say, "I can deny myself that." A place where I enjoy life's goodness without warping that enjoyment in a state of frenzied self-indulgence. A state of being that is never perfect, but always working itself out -- by way of my energy, my choices, my love.

The beauty of it all is that my life holds this inescapable fact: it can be all I want it to be. So, here's to yet another new year, another clean slate, another chance to feel the excitement of the gift of time. Time to make the very most of life, everyday.

twenty years

2009-12-11T00:00:00.000-06:00

If I wasn't a woman, I might be singing "Like A Rock" right about now. In three days I'll turn 38, so it's been 20 years since I was 18. "Twenty years now... where'd they go?"

The difference is that I have an answer to that question.

I've spent those 20 years growing, loving, serving others, messing up big time (but not so big that I ruined my life!), trying and trying again. I've had a marriage, two children, a college degree and a move to Austin in that time. The lessons learned are priceless, though were not without costs. It's hard to believe I'm old enough to be living by phrases like, "I wouldn't change a thing."

Here is the pre-40s of my life, I absolutely feel I am the most ME I've been in a long time. I'm not sure if that comes from having a very loving and safe life before my move, followed by a lot of new experiences and changes after my move. It could be that I became a mother and fulfilled my desire to be a full-time mom with no other obligations other than to be here for my family pretty much any and all the time I can be. Perhaps I accomplished the things I set for myself as I hoped to and therefore haven't felt the need to DO more or BE more, at least not while my boys are young. I still have ME needs, but I feel at peace meeting those only as they coordinate with my life as a wife and mother first and foremost.

I had a revelation of sorts yesterday... I said to myself as I got ready pre-dawn to face another day of making lunches, preparing meals, squeezing in a workout and reading time, and volunteering at my kids' school: "I don't want to conquer the world. I just want to change it for the better."

Approaching 38 is a good place for me. I've heard it said that we are our truest selves at the age of 6. At that time in my life, I climbed trees, roller skated, rode my bike, played school, sang and danced in my living room. I started a girls club and we raised money for a local children's charity. I published our household newspaper on my sister's old typewriter and I loved to swim.

Amazing how much of that is still me today.

texas. football. stadiums.

2009-12-07T20:57:00.000-06:00

Every year, around the time of two-a-days, my husband gets that look in his eye. It's really a reflection of all that his senses are taking in: a misty morning, freshly cut grass, a hint of cool on the breeze. Be it late summer or early fall, football is in the air. It finds a cozy place to reside for several months in the hearts and minds of many across both Texas and the entire nation. High school, pee wee, NFL or college, most people have some interest or another -- directly or indirectly -- in American football.

Since moving to the Lake Travis school district in 2005, I've been in Cavalier Nation... and what an honor it has been! The year my oldest started kindergarten in LTISD, the high school football program won state. The team repeated the next year and is currently marching toward its third title in as many years. VERY exciting times around here, to say the least.

Tonight, I was reading an email bulletin from the LT Booster Club and making a note in my calendar that this week's game is being played at Kyle Field on the campus of Texas A&M. Immediately I smiled to myself, remembering the many wonderful stadiums I've been to and the numerous games I've witnessed, especially since becoming a true football fan (I call myself a student of football because I love to ask questions and learn all I can about the game I never have and never will play. However, I do visualize myself as a really awesome linebacker, fast and intense in a small package. But that's another blog altogether).

The Dallas Cowboys: their last year in Texas Stadium and their first year in Cowboys Stadium (wins both times!); the Baylor Bears: when they actually went to a bowl game at the Alamodome too many years ago; my other alma mater, University High School, when they played at Kyle Field in the playoffs years ago; the year Vince Young led the Longhorns to their National Championship -- those were my first UT games and we had season tickets. What a way to spend a season! There was my first trip to the Cotton Bowl, only to witness Texas Tech losing to Alabama (and having to endure their catchy, albeit insulting, "We just beat the hell outta you" cheer). I also recalled watching the Midway Panthers play their home games at Baylor's Floyd Casey Stadium this past season, as well as the Lake Travis Cavaliers winning two state titles in that very stadium for the last two Christmases... that stadium where my college team never celebrated any national titles. But I did see a goalpost come down when Baylor beat A&M a few years back. My extended family gathered at that stadium to see Lake Travis beat Highland Park two years ago and Longview last year... Longview, who stopped Midway from advancing in last year's playoffs just a few weeks before... Longview who stopped the Panthers again this year.

Such glory and pain... I can only imagine the hearts of boys and men, young and old, who've walked out of those tunnels, onto those fields, into those lights and crowds. As a fan, the screams and cheers and high-fives, I assume, don't compare to those exchanged between the warriors who have taken to their battlefield with all the heart they could muster for any given game. As a woman, as a fan, as a student of the game, I feel blessed to partake in whatever way possible. And I look forward to a lot more football in my future... including that LT game this weekend (yes, this is how my husband and I might spend our first weekend in a long time without our boys) and a weekend visit with old friends in two weeks (a visit that was basically scheduled around the Cowboys game on the NFL Network).

Yes, lots more football in my future. I say, set the DVR or pile on the warm clothes. Either way, bring it on!

the world of self

2009-11-30T21:49:00.000-06:00

I am all the warmth and compassion and love that I need.
For myself. For others.

Within me I find all the comfort and happiness required.
For survival. For today. For tomorrow.

Outside of my world of self --
my skin, my heart, my thoughts --
I control no man.
I wouldn't want to.

Here in this place that is my constant refuge
(and sometimes my deepest despair),
I am made whole and complete
for truly there never is more than this.

Looking outward
I face a plethora of challenges:
elation, fear, hope, death.
All of the above and more.

Inside I live only what I choose,
depending on the day, depending on me:
victory, laughter, peace, joy;
anger, melancholy, sadness, isolation.

I do not leave God out of my existence equation.
I wouldn't suggest you leave out yours -- if you have one.
Inside the world of my own making, however,
none has more power than this.

winter is coming

2009-10-28T09:19:00.000-05:00

I can tell that winter is coming to this place.
Late in the evening it is undeniable,
when the only sounds are of the house settling,
the wind blowing,
and my parents stirring in their bed.

Before now, even in quiet times, there was more than such silence.
Someone was coming home,
a telephone rang,
laughter could be heard from somewhere else.

Tonight the hallway is dark;
there are no moving shadows,
only stagnant ones cast by picture frames
outlined by a lone nightlight.

In this house, I sang and danced in my childhood.
The garage was my classroom, stuffed animals my unruly students.
My room was my hangout and years ago,
our backyard was one happening place
complete with swimming pool and diving board.
The living room was my stage
when I pretended to be Debbie Boone, Marie Osmond and Olivia Newton John,
or when I entertained to Perry Como.
The driveway was my ice rink
when I skated on wheels that were destined to become blades;
the hallway was my platform for all things gymnastic.
Our trees outside were my hiding place, no tree house necessary.
The kitchen counters and cabinets
were my domain for discovery and adventure.

Winter isn't here yet.
There is a new baby, a great-grandson.
My nieces and nephews find comfort here,
good food and plenty of laughs.
There isn't complete silence all the time.
But if this house were a tree, the leaves would be turning,
in their place and in their color.
Winter cannot be stopped.

Autumn has been my favorite time of year for most of my life.
I never cared about being out of school for summer;
I loved school!
And spring only meant that the end of school was close.
When I realized that my December birthday fell in fall,
and that I love football,
and that I probably love Thanksgiving more than Christmas,
fall became an especially treasured time of year for me.

With the cold of winter always on its way,
even to this house, the home of my childhood,
I am at peace here in its autumn.
Despite the chill, I can always find warmth.
Along with a sad promise of end comes glorious hope always for new beginnings.
The legacy of love and family will carry on through seasons to come.

Tonight I am warmed by the light of familiar shadows,
smells and sounds.
My children are next to me, cuddled close and content.
Across the hall, I think I hear the familiar deep breaths of my beloved father
and the shifting beneath covers that tells me Mom is still awake.
I am like her in this way... still a night owl, never one to fall asleep too quickly.

But even as sleep comes to me slowly,
I remember that winter is inevitable,
as is its promise for rest and long awaited peace.

it's been a while...

2009-10-21T22:19:00.000-05:00

My life has gotten so nice and full, kind of like that feeling after you know you've had your money's worth at a buffet. What I mean is there just aren't many free moments to sit and write about the many things I ponder, laugh about or notice on a daily basis. Case in point: Why do people leave their (often times very BIG) dogs off their leashes? I'm an animal lover and I always tell people we had our puppies (Rottweilers, to be exact) long before we had our human kiddos. But here's the deal: dogs are still animals. No one knows what might set a mild dog off or send a calm canine into a frenzy. My son MIGHT smell like pizza and your Lab MIGHT very well like Italian food. Boom! Now you've got your really laid-back 70-plus pound dog chasing my not-quite 50-pound kid who is just starting to warm up to dogs. I've seen MANY a dog owner tell me knowingly, "Oh, he's friendly," only to see their faces and hear their voices eventually strain on the verge of panic when Fluffy doesn't do exactly as he's being told. Come on, even the human ones don't listen all of the time! Yadda, yadda, yadda. GET A LEASH!

Yeah, so I've not written in a long time. And so many times, I actually have something to say. But then the washer beeps or I remember I have an email I must send out or it's already pick-up time and my babies are coming home! It's been a fun ride, this having two boys in school full-time. Hectic and zooming and sometimes insane, but pure fun! Here are some updates for you:

DAVID:
This is my child who'd rather watch a movie than play outside, but we'll have none of that! Well, at least not much during the week. No video games and very little (if any) TV from Monday through Thursday. But there are other fun ways to fill their time. Ok, he doesn't always see homework as fun, but he does enjoy his piano lessons. He's also signed on for Destination Imagination again this year, and he still loves science. David isn't yet required to do a Science Fair project, but that's just not an issue for him. He is psyched to get to participate this year, even though he is only in the 2nd grade. Currently, he is conducting an independent study about molecules (he had wanted to do chemistry but his teacher told him that might be a little too difficult). I spent time earlier this week teaching him the basics of note-taking and research, and then helping him compare the molecular structure of acetaminophen and aspirin. The things his brain can grasp... talk about a beautiful mind!

Earlier this month, while listening to some rock song or another, David said to me, "Mom, I can't understand a word he's saying!" It might have been Metallica, but nothing harder than that. Yet there was my 7-year-old sounding more like a 70-year-old. I told him with a chuckle that what he said was something an old person would say. After this he said nonchalantly, "I FEEL like an old man." Of course I asked all kinds of questions. Basically, he said when he has to get up and down at morning assembly for the pledge to the flags (US and Texas), he feels old. Just some sort of physical confirmation that truly, David is an old soul, even though we still call him Baby David. I could go on, but I'll move on to my baby boy...

DYLAN:
Just call him Mr. Hair Gel. We're talking every morning. He's committed. I have to admire both his attention to detail and his concern for self-grooming and appearance. He doesn't seem obsessed or anything at this point, so that's good. But there is so much more to my little 5-year-old than his good hair. He is currently taking guitar lessons and struggling at times. Despite his love of Elvis and sporting a rock n roll kind of moniker, Dylan would rather be outside playing catch, crossing the monkey bars, skateboarding and just BEING outside. I find that he is fairly concerned with his handwriting as well as wanting to read on his own, which is a great thing. He's also a good friend... there are about five boys in his class that are bona fide buddies at this point. It's really cute to see their interactions and to see how much they all seem to genuinely care about one another. On the other hand, Dylan has described himself on more than one occasion recently as shy or embarrassed. He's not exactly looking forward to his guitar recital next week; suffice it to say he's only been at the thing a couple of weeks now!

During the summer, Dylan started to complain about his knees hurting him once in a while. Long story short, he is scheduled to see a pediatric rheumatologist because his blood work didn't come back perfectly clean. I think the "more scary" might-haves are ruled out but a mother still has to fight off thinking there is something to worry about at times. I have my faith and my prayers and (surprisingly) a peace in my heart. What will worry get me? I think it was Jesus (or some other famous person from the Bible) who said worrying wouldn't gain us an inch in height... do you think I'd still have to lie about how tall I am if that was the case? Therefore, my SugarBear is off to see a specialist in a couple of weeks. So odd that it's my very active, boxing- and gymnastics-loving son who might have an issue with his bones. Fortunately for him, the pain is still pretty rare.

BOYS:
You can see how very different they are; I venture to say they are more different than alike when it comes to personality, preferences and mannerisms. It's easier to tell you how my sons are alike versus how they are different, so here's this.

*They don't:
listen well or quickly
love my new recipes right off the bat
have a lot of patience
like to lose AT ALL
do their chores consistently, even though we're trying the ALLOWANCE thing
have a babysitter, still

*They do:
love their extended families SO much
love video games
enjoy movies as a family (especially episodes of Gilligan's Island, which we're Netflixing)
enjoy each other's company most of the time
pray, together or on their own
care about heart issues like love, forgiveness and peace of mind (they really do!)
love school and learning
love their Daddy
like hanging out on the playscape together
travel VERY well

It's no wonder my life is filled with the lives of my children. Having had them in my 30s, I think I had time to have my OWN life long before having them. And if life is good to me, I'll have a life to call my own once again when they are men of this world. So I don't mind that someone might say I don't have much of a life... though I used to mind this. In truth, it's possible that no one understands me. My selfish side is ALIVE and WELL, believe me. But there is a real joy to choosing everyday to be done with MY life when I pick them up from school, and start to focus on theirs: homework, lessons, play time, dinner, reading time, family talk time, bath time, bed time, etc. My husband helps with all of this big time! And in the morning, it all starts all over again with breakfast, clothes ready, lunches to be made, hugs, kisses, well wishes and final good-byes for the day. It's a glorious cycle that I am so happy to be a part of.

Oh, I almost forgot one other way they are so VERY similar. They both ADORE their Momma!

goodbye, cameron

2009-08-25T21:43:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite things about the movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" is the character, Cameron. When I first saw this movie, I'd never heard of the name (only as a park in Waco). And he was so hilarious, especially when he's sick in bed and they play the song which ends with: "...let my Cameron go."

I've met a few Camerons now, but probably none as sweet as my son's friend. He is a really great kid, in addition to being smart, talkative and helpful. So it was with a bit of sadness today that we said goodbye to Cameron as he and his family make a move to another city.

On the way to pick him up for a last-minute playdate this evening, my son David asked me to play "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. I don't know why I was even a little surprised to see my very kind-hearted son getting misty-eyed as he asked me in a quiet voice, "Mom, is this the last time I'm going to see Cameron?" I was shocked but managed to tell him that maybe it would be. I added that it was a real treat they were getting to hang out one last time.

So for all the friendships out there, short-lived or long, treasure these. No one ever knows what life will bring, when people will leave or how long it might be before you see someone again. And may we all be the kind of friend who would want to play a sweet little song to capture the mood of one last playdate with a good friend.

Good luck and God bless you and your family, Cameron!

currently me

2009-08-12T21:39:00.001-05:00

Had some facebook time the other night and I updated something about myself. Thought it worth sharing here, for what it's worth. (By the way, I was in the middle of a new post today about my sons TEACHING THEMSELVES TO PLAY CHESS when the power went out and zapped said post... suffice it to say, those boys continue to amaze their mommy!) But, back to me:

i like people and solitude. outdoors and indoors. summer and winter. comfort and change. i love to shop until that hour is over, then i hate the very idea of it. old friends and new friends. i want to love the me i am today and not be so preoccupied with the me i want to be or the me others see. i keep the faith. i hate my lazy side. i LOVE the water and i LOVE my kids. i think i was delusional as a young person (both as a kid and as a young adult), but i guess that's ok now. i'm married to the best guy ever. and that's saying a lot because my dad is AWESOME. i'm pretty big on family, even when i feel distant and like they don't understand me (or i them). i think and worry too much. i can admit this, but i'm not ok with it. i don't ask anyone to be friends on facebook or anywhere else because i just don't. love what you do! i absolutely LOVE that i get to be home full time as a wife and mom. and i'm finally owning that and not ashamed of sounding spoiled or lazy, or afraid of people thinking i do nothing all day. if you don't know, you never will. i've learned to expect less of people, but i don't feel jaded or cynical... just wiser. i am way less outspoken than i used to be but i still love passionately, and i am totally ok with the fact that i don't have all the answers.

no explanation needed

2009-06-26T13:40:00.000-05:00

Why do some of us feel the need to explain who we are, why we believe as we do and how we choose to spend our lives?

I had the privilege of spending time with a dear friend last week. She wisely echoed the sentiments of my husband who strives to remind us in this family to embrace the NOW. For there is truly NOTHING else. Not ever. Moments to come are always ahead of us while the things of the past can never be recaptured or done over. Many of us can't get our brains around this for some reason.

Planning is sometimes a bad habit; even as I write this, I cringe. I hate last-minute things but I've also learned that my best efforts at planning and preparing do not guarantee smooth sailing.

As we get ready for our family vacation, I'm trying to relax. I'm trying to avoid reaching my maximum stress levels just in time for R&R. I'm trying to understand that some projects will not get done, some laundry may go unwashed, the house will not be immaculate. Even now, as my boys are making a grand mess with Play-doh, I'm realizing that the only person who's going to freak out about mess or stress over imperfection in my kitchen is ME. Why am I so hard on myself? Today, right this moment, I am letting my boys be boys... messy, unorganized, free-spirited little boys. There is enough explaining in life ahead of them. For now, there is no need.

get your goofy on

2009-05-26T14:15:00.000-05:00

Must be something in the air... or just a long time since I've exerted some goofiness. And for anyone who doesn't know the REAL me, I can be REAL goofy. So here are some ways I got my goofy on just in the last few minutes.

* I did a George Jefferson walk and then pulled a seriously shocked look when Dylan asked about it and demonstrated what I was doing.

* I replied to a friend on Facebook (FACEBOOK! I must be a little bored.) with some wacky TV suggestions: Little House on the Prairie and Golden Girls.

* I stuck my tongue out at another friend... also via Facebook.

* I laughed so hard at my Facebook antics, I literally had tears in my eyes.

* I came in the office and acted like an idiot for no reason, then laughed about it while my husband looked at me as though I need medication. He did laugh, though.

One thing I know is that this is MUCH better than those blah days I've been feeling every now and then. Maybe I DO need medication!

live. and let live.

2009-05-23T00:23:00.001-05:00

I think I've been pressured to be more than I am. Not as far as what I do for my family or how I contribute to society or even the ways in which I serve at church. Being in the middle, trying to be fair and practicing tolerance has -- on both sides of any given issue -- taken on a negative feel. My Christian faith is still alive and kicking, but I know that many a fellow Christian would deem my stand on many things as "lukewarm." And any Christian knows that the term "lukewarm" is as damning as any other anti-God term. I'm serious. The Bible teaches that to be lukewarm is to be detestable in the mouth of God.

Is my middle-ground lukewarm? Who is to say this? God assigned who exactly to be my judge and jury?

At the other spectrum, I'd be labeled fanatical, holy-rolling and "Jesus freak" if I were to tell others about my faith. God forbid I offer a blessing and/or prayer to those around me who don't share my faith. But then, why is this wrong? Aren't these open-minded types the very people I should feel 100 percent comfortable around? Isn't that the true meaning of liberalism?

And yet, I think my comfy little middle-ground is not supposed to be a good place to reside. Or at least not good enough. I care about the hungry, the environment and my children. Chances are, however, if I'm not in missions or if I don't keep my non-plastic grocery bags on hand all the time or if I don't have THE perfect balance of mother-wife-woman, I'm deemed a failure.

Still, why do I (we) care about the opinion of others so much? Just about the time we are taught as Christians to shrug what the "world" thinks, we are told to "guard our testimony." It's about as easy to maneuver as a minefield. Thirty years after the first time I gave a damn, I find I still do. And I work not to! How do I work, though?

So I'll take my seat there in the middle row, toward the middle of the isle during a nice, somewhat adventurous indie comedy with just enough romance and suspense to keep the crowd happy. Yeah, that's me. I'm the one holding the popcorn and sneaking in Skittles because while I'm all for abiding by the rules, I'm also keenly aware that all that candy from Easter is going to go to waste if we don't find a reason to eat it some time or another!

An editor I like called himself "tolerant" when it came to religious identity. And really, the Jesus I learned about and claim to follow was AT LEAST this. He TOLERATED the sin, the short-comings and the hiccups of others. Considering that I don't claim holiness, and I wasn't born of immaculate conception... why the heck shouldn't I be tolerant, too? Call me whatever. They don't call it a comfort zone for nothing. And what the heck is wrong with a little inner peace after all? Someone pass my comfy blanket... AND the popcorn tub.

random ramblings

2009-05-22T21:03:00.000-05:00

I have a friend who pokes fun at my emailing prowess... well, I call it prowess. He, and others, might call it over-the-top-ness, or something like that. But baseball season has gotten the best of me. My emails have actually been just what's needed and to whom, and I failed on my promise to copy him to each and every email I send out that has anything to do with anything on our kids' baseball team.

After talking with his wife, I realized he'd been spared a lot of details in recent weeks. I felt an urgency to remedy this. I wrote an email saying just this and his response is reprinted here without his permission and therefore without his name:
"Yeah. I have really been missing those rambling non-sensical emails of yours. There is a void."

The sarcasm wasn't lost on me, but neither was the opportunity... glorious, gratuitous opportunity! That's all I needed. So, I sent him the following, copied here as it was sent (names have been omitted or changed; no, they've just been changed for grins... that's way more fun):

"yeah so, anastasia gave us the invite for burgers and swimming saturday. didn't even realize you guys had a pool... lotsa fun. but we're taking a boat out that day... our last hoorah with the boat club because we think we won't do it this year... will have to see how our summers play out as the boys get bigger. so i requested a rain check... please! she was like, of course. ok, so after throwing around the 28th, 29th and 30th, the powers that be have decided on the 30th for the final (team name here) soiree, an email about which should be going out as i type but i'm presently busy with more important matters... but mark my word, an email WILL be forthcoming i can promise you this. i've got sign-up sheets ready to go and you don't want to know about the... well, i can't quite tell you that part, but... all in good time. so the 30th it is. i guess the darrens will play it by ear for tomorrow's practice... we KINDA had plans tomorrow night (maybe a movie) but nothing too solid. baby darren's in a bit of a hitting slump for sure. what else... oh, i might start freelancing some for this lady in need of a writer/editor for her business's website. that's off the subject. but there ya go... consider the void nice and filled... your cup runneth over. good night!!!"

The point of this blog is that life is filled with opportunities to waste your time, and others', with nonsense in a way that hopefully brings an unexpected smile on another's face. Then again, even if he found it only slightly annoying, I still got a big smile out of it. Glorious opportunity indeed!

conversation

2009-05-06T02:14:00.000-05:00

Last night, I watched and listened as my husband spoke into the ear of his 97-year-old grandmother. In his limited -- and yet, perfect -- Spanish, he told her some of the sweetest words I've ever heard. That life was beautiful for him here in Austin; that he had time and made time to laugh and play with his sons, his rambunctious and inquisitive boys; that his house was nice and filled with love; that life was beautiful... and he thanked her for these gifts.

Her small body had assumed a fetal position and we were convinced she was in pain. Our small amount of time to stay with her... just to be with her, had finally come. Gone were the more familiar faces of those who live in Waco. Gone were the energetic voices of the children in our family. Just me and David, standing vigil with Granny as she lay in her hospital bed, all of us uncertain of the future.

This woman had helped in the raising (yes, raising) of David and his siblings. A maternal grandmother in the truest sense of the term, Granny was always nurturing and strong, feisty and sometimes mean in years gone by. These are his words, though he says these things with love and respect. He looks back and realizes he needed someone strong to stand up to him. He was as tall at 15 as he is now. Granny, though small in stature, was not so in will or personality. And she made no bones about any of it!

So last night, as we sat with her in the hospital and the TV played Spanish novelas, he thought it wise to convey to her his undying love, devotion and gratitude. For whatever tomorrow might bring, he was certain of what yesterday carried. I'll never forget the kindness that filled his words, the way she seemed to listen as he held her hands, and she held his. The way his love moved through words past time and space and memories to the present moment. A moment he knew he might never have again.

green tip #2

2009-05-01T00:01:00.001-05:00

PAPER. Any and every time I see paper that is about to be discarded, I check for one blank side. If there's a blank side, I will fold and cut this paper into fourths and these sheets become my notepad. The paper is going to be thrown out at some point, yes, but how much better to have gotten more use out of it than was originally intended?

sources

2009-04-30T23:49:00.000-05:00

My journalism roots are calling to me. I understand quite fully that MY own life -- two kids, one husband, a house, visits to the gym and laundry -- may not be of profound interest. But, as I've said many times, write I must.

I find that many manner of topics draw my interest, as well as the input of others on said topics. So if you're reading this, and you're a friend of mine, I hope you won't mind when I ask for your input on "an article I'm writing." YES, that means published; NO, it doesn't mean in the New York Times (it just means here on my blog on the Internet for anyone to see); YES, I'm serious; NO, I won't be offended if you'd rather not be "quoted." But when I ask -- and I will ask -- just answer and do so truthfully if you'd like. After all, a writer is only as good as his/her sources.

he wears his t-shirts inside out

2009-04-27T20:15:00.000-05:00

My husband is a hippie in his own right. He still likes nice sunglasses and would love to drive (own) an exotic sports car, but he ditches the status quo when he can. I won't divulge his voting record or other too-personal quirks that I probably find appealing because then I'd be invading his privacy. But since our lives overlap so, it's only normal that my blog should reflect that fact on occasion. It's only fitting that his life would be my topic of the moment, at least sometimes. Some mention of this person in my life. My partner, my perfect fit, my best friend.

He started wearing his t-shirts inside out last year, I think. It was subtle at first, and not 100 percent of the time even now. I remember asking him about it and yet, I can't recall his answer. He has a way of not answering my questions sometimes. Tenacious as I am about open communication and exchange of ideas, I've learned to let this pass when it happens. If I am expressive and passionate about whatever my focus is at any given moment, David is just as blase' about whatever thing he ponders as it strikes his fancy. Oh, he can get worked up. Let's talk about the journalistic snafus of the CNBC talking heads or the way people cave to things like cheating or laziness for the sake of convenience. These are "our" talks, and I'm privy to thoughts he doesn't and likely wouldn't share with others. But I've always been of the belief that if you get something personal or from deep inside out of David, you've found a diamond, and not necessarily in the rough.

At dinner, he briefly shared his thoughts on braces "for myself." Suffice it to say that this man who hates augmented breasts sees braces almost as a form of plastic surgery! He did not say this, but I think I've captured the essence of his opinion quite adequately here. He didn't have to say much for me to know that this goes back to the idea of being true to oneself, something he values as much as free will. Braces, implants, plastic surgery. I don't think permanent marking of oneself falls into this category for him, though. Tattoos can be an extension and expression of ones truest self, even if personal. Not something I'll ever do; I'll tell you what I think and who I am with my mouth or keyboard, thankyouverymuch. But I respect his take on things, which isn't to say the idea of braces is completely off-limits at this point.

I call him some version of a hippie because he reads guys you've probably never heard of, he doesn't seem to think any conspiracy theory is too out there to consider (anything's possible, right?), and he almost always wears his t-shirts inside out because he doesn't want to be a walking billboard for some company thriving on the world according to money, but unwilling to share with others. He turns off the water part of the time while showering and he's been replacing our traditional bulbs with more energy-efficient ones. He prints in "draft" quality to save on ink, and he likes documentaries but doesn't subscribe to reality television. And he firmly believes that anything anyone in our family knows about and/or is good at is something all of us should learn about and/or at least try.

With all my heart, I know he would have been a gladiator, a Greek warrior, a Samurai had he not been born now. I know he was born for this time, though, whatever the more spiritual reasoning might be. If chastity weren't an issue, he might also have been a Tibetan monk... he could pull off the vow of silence quite easily, I think. And I'm sure if we were tossed back 40 years, he'd likely be raging the machine against any and all injustices with which the youth of that era were taking issue. But even as he coaches baseball, reads to our sons and prays with them nightly, there always remains that something about David. It's not always easy to explain, but it is undoubtedly there. Always.

big boys

2009-04-21T13:50:00.001-05:00

Marriage, chess, anatomy and questions of faith... these are the topics around our house these last few days, brought up by our newly turned 7- and 5-year-old sons. I've been blown away by their questions and interests lately. They've always challenged me to stay sharp, but when my 7-year-old wanted to type out his nocturnal animal project and kept his fingers on the "right" keys, I was blown away. I didn't even know he'd played around with a typing program at school to add to the practice he had with my husband long ago. Amazing!

More than just impressed, I am reminded that their knowledge and questions and intellect will only grow in the years to come. Am I doing what I need to do in order to stay competent? Can I keep up with their insatiable hunger for learning new things and taking on new challenges? Am I giving life my best so that I can give my children my best? Are my activities benefiting my spirit, mind, heart and soul so that I actually have something within me to give back to them?

In the deepest parts of my being, I believe I am "called" to be Mother, if only for the fact that I AM Mother, and that I chose to be Mother with an open eye. I believe it is my ultimate responsibility to be all I can be for my children, specifically during their childhood days. For me that means playing a balance game that few people ever get just right: protecting while allowing independence, knowing when to be hands-on and when to be hands-off, holding their hands and letting them soar (or fall), teaching them myself and letting life be the teacher sometimes, and challenging them while keeping life sweet and simple for as long as I can.

Like every mother before me who dreamed of "getting it right," I wake up everyday keenly aware of my shortcomings. I step over these on my way to make breakfast for these boys who are ever becoming men.

green tip #1

2009-04-15T21:09:00.000-05:00

WATER. Even before I heard terms like "green living," "water conservation" or "save the planet," I knew there was something really wrong with how ridiculously long it takes for hot water to come out of the kitchen sink faucet. And somewhere in the back of my mind, I always knew I should do something to stop wasting so much water!

This year, I finally started doing something. I took one of my gallon pitchers (Rubbermaid, I think) and started filling it until hot water came out of the faucet. My concerns were confirmed when I didn't get clean-the-counters hot water until the pitcher was already full and I had made my way toward filling a large Tupperware tumbler, too. It was nuts!

So this is what I do now. I use the saved water to rinse dishes when my kids leave milk in their cereal bowls, or to rinse my hands when they're a little sticky from making peanut butter sandwiches, or just to clean the sink after a rough day. Sometimes that gallon pitcher isn't emptied until three or four days go by. I smile thinking of all the water I've saved here and there.

Just my small part. At the very least, I am cutting down slightly on our water use and it keeps me aware of waste in other areas, too. My belief is that the planet's going to continue down its path whether or not I recycle or conserve water. But I am teaching myself and my children to be a little less wasteful and hopefully a lot more appreciative for the many resources I know we take for granted.

drowning

2009-04-14T22:05:00.000-05:00

A fellow mom from my youngest son's preschool told me that she feels as though she is drowning lately. We were discussing our boys' birthday celebrations because they are only a few days apart. When she said this, I could only concur because it has been nuts around here, and I still know that our personal and family schedules aren't nearly as hectic as some. But I guess this is definitely my family's max-out point.

Every year around this time, I find myself juggling kids' sports, practices, school spring affairs, birthday parties for two kids (and that usually means more than one celebration for each between home and school goings-on), my husband's birthday, Spring Break, Easter and many more things. I am finding that even with a resolve to stay under the radar of crazy, over-stressed moms gone insane, life is easier said than done.

My husband was encouraging me to still make time for myself and the things I need to do for ME like workout and write and read. Even this is easier said than done, especially since I woke up today and my baby boy had a slight fever. He spent most of the day in bed, and I wasn't far from him. It was a moment of throwing my hands up in the air and acknowledging that today's to-do list would be there tomorrow and that for the day, I would baby my baby because in only a few short days, he'll be five years old!

It seems as though I am constantly trying to figure something out or balance myself and my life, even though I seriously try not to worry too much. I'm wondering if my approach is just off. Or perhaps this is just the way life goes. I also wonder if life would be more chaotic or "seem" less frantic if I spent eight hours of my day working some place other than in the home. I'm glad to be here. And I am always reminded -- particularly on days like today -- to be thankful for my blessings and grateful for life, however crazy it is at times.

When my friend used the word "drowning," I also was reminded of the time I likened writing to breathing for me. Along those lines, I would be wise to not neglect the things I can do to better get through the stressful times.

blog to blog

2009-04-08T23:43:00.000-05:00

Upon reading about the guy in Waco who stabbed another guy over flautulence, I posted the following comment, albeit anonymously. What? Yeah I'm scared of making smart alec comments about all that drug nonsense going on south of our US of A. But it's still funny and worth sharing here.

"ok, i'm hispanic so don't call me racist. is anyone else not shocked considering these four men were hanging out at the clarion, unsure of waco surroundings (hospital), on their cell phones, with ethnic last names, yadda yadda yadda? the violence in this story is so stupid and random. i'm not gonna say it but it rhymes with shmarshmel. or shmrug shmrafficking. or even just shmrugs. anyone? i would TOTALLY say this to my grandmother... AND my grandfather, who by the way was once in prison for shmarijuana."

The grandmother comment is in reference to the Trib's COMMENT RULES (guess it's family reading) about, basically, only writing something you'd say to your grandmother.

just 18 years old

2009-04-05T20:49:00.000-05:00

It was on Easter morning in 1991 that I became a Christian... from my own heart, 100% my own decision, of my own free will. I'd been "saved," taken to church and Bible studies, and taught the basics of my faith since young childhood, but I had not owned it or taken steps to make it something to call mine. But that morning, I did. I knelt at my old church on the corner of 11th and Jefferson in Waco and I asked God to take my life and use it and give me His gift of life and love and peace and forgiveness through Jesus Christ. And to be honest, I've never looked back. Not that I had before then; I just never gave it much thought before then.

That year, I would turn 20 in December. I definitely was maxed out on youthful enthusiasm and conquer-the-world zeal. And it was awesome! I wouldn't trade the many hours I gave in service to my church, nor would I trade the many lessons learned or memories captured.

But if you count your life in years as a Christian -- or any other way you identify yourself -- then you might say I'm just about to turn 18. And boy do I feel it!

Gone is the carefree outlook on life... I am often full of questions and not answers. Before me sits a path whose end I know not, and whose direction I am only slightly less confused about. All around me are people who seem to have their crap together... at least more than I do! Where I once felt certain and confident, I am unsure and usually second or third guessing my decisions.

On a brighter note, I still maintain a bit of "in your face." You know, the 18-year-old who is about to graduate from high school and doesn't have it all figured out and basically tells you to take a hike when you try to tell him anything about "growing up." What's more, I believe the best is yet to come. STILL. The ridiculousness of that statement is almost painful to admit. Who am I kidding? But then I realize that, oh yea, I'm like an 18-year-old on my journey as a Christian. This too shall pass... but hopefully not too soon.

I do well to be mom and wife and keep things running around here. I am responsible and prompt and orderly most of the time. But there's still a little rebel inside of me that I can't seem to shake. Example: the more people suggest I "decorate," the LESS I want to. And while I pride myself on being minimalistic, sometimes I want to smack people with a taupe-shaded two by four when they try to show "subtle" concern about my plain walls or lack of random CRAP filling the spaces and places in my house. ARGH! Sorry.

In the end, I think I'll be what I'm supposed to be. This is all in stark contrast to my real-life year of turning 18. I had it ALL figured out: college, career, spouse, kids. Truth be told, that stuff stuck! But it goes to show that you can have the basics and foundational things go as planned and still not have all the answers... not by a long shot. Then again, I guess that's life when you're 18.

i love this man

2009-03-31T17:04:00.000-05:00

Rarely am I at a loss for words. And yet, every time I feel the urge to sit and write about my love for my husband of 13 years, I find that words fall short of all I want to express about him and what we share.

In February, we were celebrated our wedding anniversary. In May, we will have been "together" for 18 years since we started dating in 1991. We are so mindful that time with our kids has flown by, but the same is true of our relationship. We met when we were kids, especially David since he is nearly three years younger than me. We've grown and grown up together. There's no doubt that I am comfortable and "used to" life with David. But more than that... more than the comfort and ease I feel with him... more than the familiar way he loves me or the stability that comes with sharing almost two decades of life together... more so than any of these things, I still LOVE David with an exciting, passionate, hard-to-describe kind of love.

When I know the work day is almost over for him, I get excited. When he's gone for a bit and I hear the garage door opening, I usually rush to the door or at least ready myself for his entrance. And when he is putting our boys to sleep for the night, I count the minutes until I have him all to myself. In this way, I can tell you how I love my husband, though I dare not even try to begin to explain the connection I believe I have with him. The eternal, life-long, soul mate, warm-n-fuzzy love and LIKE that I have for this man after all these years. Once again, I find that words fail me.

Instead, I'll finish. He's actually gone right now. After our oldest son's piano lesson, he went out to meet a co-worker who happens to be in our neck of the woods. I'm never as youthful and beautiful for him as I wish I could be, but I still try and be someone he is happy to come home to whenever he walks through our door.

seven years of motherhood

2009-03-31T12:33:00.000-05:00

My son's various birthday celebrations are finished for this year. He turned 7 this month and we had traditional cake, cupcake cake and cookie cake. We bowled, had dinner at a Japanese steakhouse, traveled to Waco and sang to him at least three times!

I still don't see my kids as spoiled rotten. My sons know they are loved, they are celebrated for their accomplishments and loved for just BEING. Their birthdays come along once a year... one day out of 365 gets to be THEIR day. It has been so fun to see them grow from babies to toddlers to little boys. It has been my life's greatest honor to be their mother.

Just this past year or so, it clicked that I should embrace all there is to being a mom. The unconditional love, the challenge to be all I need to be all the time, the gift of unlimited hugs and kisses, the power within myself to heal a boo-boo, the priceless calling to pour love, life and grace into the lives of my sons... these pieces make up the beautiful puzzle that is my life. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful opportunity than to be Mother.

friday night plights

2009-03-27T22:05:00.000-05:00

The way I view Friday nights has definitely changed over the years. David and I enjoy the boys and rarely seek a night out, even on this most fun of weeknights! But that doesn't mean I don't want to on occasion. Then I find myself realizing the fun would be short lived, any over indulgence could lead to discomfort (who wants random discomfort?), and I'm actually more tired than I realized after a busy week as Mom.

Here's how some of my fantasies come crashing to an end:

* In my newly fit body, I storm downtown Austin turning heads and getting hit on like crazy... mostly by younger guys who fit into that category of the rare athlete-genius hybrid. Anyway, I politely decline while pointing out the obviously superior gentleman on my arm. "Hello!" But then one of these Ken dolls gets perturbed (he's never been turned down!), makes a catty remark, gets David mad and after a ridiculous amount of threats from the other guy, my husband punches him and goes to jail and that's how THAT goes...

* Fresh from dinner at the new steak and seafood place downtown, David and I make our way to a movie. I (in my newly fit body) turn down popcorn but decide to splurge on some Milk Duds. Well, it's not long before the Milk Duds are playing tricks on my stomach and I end up missing a lot of the movie thanks to frequent trips to the restroom. Yuck!

* Somewhat bored with my newly fit body, I decide to experiment with drugs, end up with the munchies, demand Whataburger and then either David goes to jail for wacky driving or the double with cheese and bacon gives me the runs or all that Coke sends me to the ER with kidney pain. Either way, it doesn't end well.

Then I blink and I'm back to reality. I turn on recorded episodes of Oprah, curl up with my favorite guy, have some laughs and priceless conversation, and fall asleep whenever I want. And that actually doesn't sound too bad after all!

what's the deal with _________________?

2009-03-26T21:16:00.001-05:00

hard-to-pronounce last names I've never heard of before now?

people who still act weird/fake/uncomfortable/whatever even though you've known them for years and have had lots of close moments together?

the super-fit types who end up walking and sounding and acting like robots?

Oprah and all her undercover controversial topics? (And I like Oprah, by the way.)

people -- grown people -- not saying "thank you" for the little AND big things?

my weight? ugh!

dealing with thoughts and feelings and attitudes that I've not seen the likes of since high school?

people who baby their adult children?

kids insisting on being difficult?

people lying to your face?

in five months...

2009-03-26T16:26:00.000-05:00

It just hit me (like a "insert something forceful here") that in about five months, both of my sons will be in school full-time. This is more scary and overwhelming than it is exciting. Why? Because instantly I feel the pressure to be better at so many things because, let's face it, I'll have a LOT more flexibility with how to spend my time. Here are some items that are quickly rising to the top as MUST-DOs for when this unchartered territory presents itself:

* Work out faithfully and more intensely every single day. I feel I owe this to myself and my family and that when my days are no longer spent between Dylan at home and David at school, I'll have no reason not to get in the best shape of my life. YIKES!

* Get uber-organized. I already thrive in the neat and orderly side of life, but I imagine every inch of my house shiny, clutter-free and always in order. It's like a kid anticipating CHRISTMAS morning!

* Be an even better volunteer and make my presence known at my kids' school. I do this some already, and I love it. I don't feel like I need the validation for myself as much as I LIKE to keep things running smoothly, I like to help when it's needed AND I like knowing that I can be a familiar face where my kids spend many hours of their lives.

* Scrapbook and get the boys' photos, artwork, awards, etc. better organized. This always sounds funner than it actually is. Hmm...

* Try a new hobby. Atop my list are: tennis (lots of good tennis out here), golf (ditto), sailing, gardening, researching how to grow taller as an adult, figuring out how to take on new hobbies and NOT sound so, well, old. I'd also like to summit more mountain tops and so this would definitely require some commitment to hiking around here. Glad they call it the Hill Country!

Whatever will I do? I'll miss my kids, cry a bit, run around catching up on laundry, bills, closet updates, twitter, home movie labeling and basic cleaning. Maybe by Christmas I'll be ready to get in shape. Yes, just in time for the new year!!!

cnbc

2009-03-26T14:14:00.000-05:00

My husband is working from home full-time now. We love it! He isn't wasting time on a long commute, he gets to be as involved as he wants to be with the kids' activities, and it's just nice to have him here with us as much as possible.

The biggest negative amid all of this? Well, my laptop is now stationed atop the big desk in our home office (which is where he works), but so is the TV, which is always on CNBC. And these people are just a little bit ridiculous! See if you can stand them for long on any given day, but particularly while the main US markets are open (that's 8:30 a.m. to 3 p.m. our time).

I'd say that thus far my blogs aren't exactly profound or earth-shattering. But these are my thoughts nonetheless.

like a new lover

2009-03-25T21:01:00.000-05:00

Oh sure, the excitement's there now, right? I've just created my neat and orderly little place in the world where I can sit and write and write and ponder and dream of... whatever. But will my days come and go, or will I commit? For writing is as breathing. And when I do not, I can feel it. I suffocate a little and shine a little less, I think.

Other things I intended to do this somewhat still new year:
* photograph my children daily from the start of each boy's birthday... didn't happen
* clean EVERYTHING... didn't happen
* schedule EVERYTHING... kinda happening, but not entirely
* speak with my half-ass British accent every chance I get (namely, in anonymous situations)... can't BELIEVE that hasn't happened

My point is that everything that matters simply has to find a home in my life. It just has to. And while this has been a long time coming, I suspect it will be a long time staying as well. Now, if only I could get back to keeping my digital photographs organized. Snap... didn't happen.

feels good

2009-03-25T20:48:00.000-05:00

Early in the Internet surge, I didn't subscribe right away to blogging. I like my old-fashioned tendencies, and I like using pens. But progress catches up with us all, I suppose. So here I am, ready to officially BLOG. LoAna come lately... I'm not ok with that, by the way.